I think that after the chaos of the first few months is over and I am more or less having a routine or set of things I am already familiar with, I can finally place the cards on the table and look at myself in the mirror in order to see how different I am.
Here's a small list of the changes I am facing:
- I do not have the craving for new clothes and shoes. I used to have it for a month after moving, but currently I am disgusted by shopping malls and sales. I hate the consumerism and the craving for more and more. It seems so useless because there are so many beautiful things in this world. I want to buy only second hand for the sake of the environment. Not to mention there are plenty amazing clothes that can be re-worn in a perfect condition with no need in producing more.
- I've stopped wanting to use heavy makeup and different looks everyday. Don't worry, I will never stop contouring my eyes to make them look nothing like my natural nor using different shades of purple lipstick. It's just that when I was suffering being goth in Israel, facing 0 tolerance from the outside world towards anything alternative, looking extreme was sort of a fighting item for me. It made me confident and I used it against people who were negative to me [all people, actually]. Ever since I moved I am re-living the gothic subculture I have been longing for, and when observing the open minded society here, the freedom one weirdo could get, I understood that there is no need for me to hide anymore. I felt relief. I don't mean to say that every one who uses tons of makeup hides himself. Hell no! There are a lot of goths here who shave their eyebrows, make artsy creations on their face and it looks amazing and inspiring! I just didn't feel the need to do it anymore, because I had other motives I guess. I am also a big hater of using foundation. I basically was using it only on my eyelids for the eye shadow. I hate layering things on my face and head in general.
- I became more aware of the world around me. I began to care about our planet, about recycling [which Germany does amazingly], about consuming and began to realize that by doing things differently I can change just a small pattern in an ugly puzzle our world does such a splendid job in being. Tell me that I would be such a caring activist a year ago and I would laugh at your face.
- I almost stopped eating meat. Due to the second change in this list I am disgusted by thinking about eating meat. It's not only less healthy due to the process the meat industry makes, but also a horrid truth what the animals are forced to endure. It fills me with so much anger and disappointing to know this fact, it breaks my heart. I have been using makeup products that weren't tested on animals for about a year and a half now and never felt the need to be vegetarian. I used to laugh at vegetarians when I was a teenager thinking they were plain masochists. However now I know exactly why people do what they do. I eat fish however because fish also eat fish, it may sound stupid but that is something I stand for. However I don't eat fish that have been over fished like Tuna for example. The only fish I eat is Salmon which is ok to eat because there is plenty in the world so far. I eat dairy products as well.
- I began to go more outside. I used to sit in front of the computer all day long doing something useless. I do it only a few times a week. Whenever I have the chance I go outside for a walk in the city or in one of the amazing parks in Berlin. Maybe it's like cheating, because I frankly could have done the same in Israel. But there are almost no normal parks in Israel, and I could never bare the humid hot weather. Here on the other hand whenever the sun is shining I smile, because there is some breeze blowing and one could only enjoy the hot days. I was surprised how I longed for a normal European Spring for my entire life. I can't wait for it to be Summer here, because it's something people actually enjoy [well for the most part].
- I began practicing Wicca again after my last time in December 2012, right after Boris and I left our apartment to live with my mother right before we moved to Berlin. I now feel the energy coming back to me, the craving for reading about everything, experimenting and concentrating on things I couldn't before. I feel that in some way it disciplines me [I among all people need discipline to go forward] and helps me release myself from psychological boundaries I used to have. I really hope Wicca would help me find the best sides in me and develop myself, without constantly looking at the past and filling myself with self pity that has never helped me.
So far so good. If someone has an opinion about what I wrote I would be happy to read it! I would gladly talk to anyone about any subject, especially if it means breaking a taboo ;)
I did this post mainly for myself to understand where I stand [Skeletal Family lyric blast?!] but if it was interesting for someone please let me know!
Have a wonderful weekend. I will try to enjoy a Cold Wave/ Minimal/ Post Punk party tonight. It's not my fave combination but there's some live act so I hope to take pictures!
One last thing:
I have changed my super gothy and dark internet nick to N. Finsternis, simply because I didn't like the scramble of words that make no sense type of nickname. N is stands for the former Nebel [mist in German] and Finsternis is Darkness in German as well.