Sometimes I hang out and everything is ok and I am not troubled by anything, but then something snaps and I look around me and think - who are these people? What do I have in common with them? What are we even talking about here?!
The following rant is a result of a couple of months filled with interactions with certain people (all from the goth scene, if it makes a difference) that have left me confused and/or with a negative feeling. It's not like something awful happened, but little by little my patience for certain behavior was filled up until it exploded this weekend into a heavy feeling of loneliness and confusion.
Maybe it's me - maybe I have an issue with communicating with the world. Maybe I expect too much. When I was in my late teens I have promised myself to never build any expectations for people in order to not get disappointed, and here I am breaking that promise. I am most disappointed. I feel lonely. I feel like nobody cares about me. I feel that if I will disappear from this earth - and by that I mean disappear from Facebook, from attending weekend goth parties and other subculture related events - no one would even notice. No one would care. Except for Boris and 3 friends, no one would.
Because the issue that I have does not concern my friends. This is not about them at all. The issues is concerned with people I see on a regular basis - people with whom I have more than 1 thing in common. People with whom I have the potential of chatting at a party, just sitting around talking about stuff. Just nice people to have around, for the most time.
So what's the issue? Nobody asks me how I am.
This is honestly so pathetic and sad that a grown ass person needs to write how lonely she is because nobody asks her "how are you?". But it's true. Whenever I meet acquaintances and we enjoy a simple talk - I always ask how they are, but nobody asks how I am doing. Nobody asks how my studies are going, how's my work, how's my band search (which has not beared fruit, to say the least).
I always ask how they are - how's the job hunt, how's work, how's the music going....
A little small talk can go a long way. Just a simple "how are you" can open a huge window to a conversation. I am the last person to talk about myself and complain in front of people, but sometimes I just want to share what has been on my mind that week. But no one actually cares.
It has happened with people that are more than just "that random familiar person you see at parties". These are people I say hello to every single weekend; actively follow them on Facebook where we exchange in some kind of interaction....
Not to mention the people I meet even more often. I might not consider them my friends but all they talk about is themselves.
It frightens me to know how many grown up people are lonely out there just because no one has smiled towards them. No one told them they're pretty. No one said that it's going to be ok.
I'm not talking about helping each other move house or engage in hours of long post-breakeup pillow talk. It's the little things we say to each other that count. Looks like I've been trying too hard being nice to everyone that it got me so lonely in the process.
Turns out no one cares. I might as well not ask you how you are. Fuck you. I've realized I have zero chill for people I have nothing in common with. I don't need to be nice to everyone, it's a quality that gets me far but can also shoot me in the leg. I don't need to waste my energy on people who don't care.
But when I try to give attention and communicate with people that I do care about and consider them somewhat as friends, even if not close friends - I get nothing in return. What's wrong with a friendly conversation? It's not just being polite. I feel like just asking how you are can go such a long way...
Boris has been comforting me through this for the last 48 hours but I just felt like sharing this here. I feel so embarrassed writing a classic teenage blog post but honestly I feel so mad at the world that I don't know how else I should describe things.
The only thing I can do is hang on to my real friends and reach out to them when I have a problem, especially a mental one. Just like I am trying to help them when something of the sort happens.
I am walking with a constant feeling of heaviness and I don't want to do anything besides just lying down. In a "scene" with so much unifying potential even a mere "how are you" is a stretch. Even in a conversation that comes to a halt, where it's only basic and natural of the other person to ask me how I am... Nothing - silence.