Meeting my biological father for the first time after 23 years

My mom divorced my biological father when I was 3 years old and married my "step dad". I mentioned numerous times that I hate calling the latter my "step dad" since he's the only father I've ever had and even though we look nothing alike and are different people - I couldn't imagine a different father. I will use these terms just for the sake of this post.

My mom has been in contact with my biological father through social media in the past few years. Aside from that and a few old photographs he has never been present in my life. It was fine, I wasn't mad at him or anything, and my mom never spoke ill of him. He is a trumpet player, he's a very intellectual kind of person and he's been living in Spain with his other wife and son for a while. All this was known to me for many years.

Things changed a few years ago when he got into an awful car accident and spent a month in a coma. His health got worse, he could hardly play. But then he started writing me on Facebook, which was a turn of events I didn't expect. Aside form me having zero emotion for him, his communication was difficult due to the accident he's been through. Sometimes his messages made no sense and I would tell mom about it and how I don't get what he wants of me. But when people are hit with their own mortality you know god damn well what they want.

Coincidentally my biological father planned on visiting Berlin for the march of 9th of May, victory day. Also coincidentally - Boris and I planned on flying to Israel that very day. I told him that if he'd come a day earlier we would meet. And so he did.

It wasn't all that strange to meet him. He was very emotional, excited. I was nervous too, yet I had no expectations. I was curious if I could find something hidden about myself that I would notice through this person. Through a person that is related to me by blood.

We had lunch, he talked about his achievements as older people usually do. I respect him a lot for starting life from scratch in Spain, from making music on the streets to having his own ensemble of musicians. The conversation went on and my thoughts brought on the realization that our mannerisms are totally different. More so - our way of identifying and presenting ourselves is very different.

It's not like my heart was opened to a different place or anything. It was nice to see him, I'm happy it happened now and not before.

Yet I couldn't help but to be glad that my life has turned out the way it is: that this man was indeed not present in my life. I was so glad I did not have a very deep connection with my "step dad" when I was a kid and teenager. I was glad that we fought and that I thought he didn't understand me. I was glad that I felt misplaced and felt that the presence of an intellectual father figure was constantly missing, and instead there was a different one.

Because this was what drove me to become who I am. This has made me come across different types of people from a different social background, and to learn to love them, accept and respect them.

The dad I've had since the age of 3 is exactly the person I should have had, and meeting my biological dad today has made me miss my real dad even more.

Because things are just fine the way they are, especially seeing the connection my brother has with my "step dad" makes me see him from a different point of view. It's his biological father after all and I have learned so much from that and wouldn't ever want anyone else in that place.

So the meeting was nice overall, and my biological father cares for me more than I thought and wishes me only the best, and that's a very comforting things to know. I guess this was a kind of closure in a way, and maybe I am even more confident in who I am thanks to my biography which - whilst being a child and teenager - I had a huge difficulty explaining to myself.

Tomorrow Boris and I are going to Israel for 2 weeks and I can't wait to see my family.

Maria

Sometimes I hang out and everything is ok and I am not troubled by anything, but then something snaps and I look around me and think - who are these people? What do I have in common with them? What are we even talking about here?!

The following rant is a result of a couple of months filled with interactions with certain people (all from the goth scene, if it makes a difference) that have left me confused and/or with a negative feeling. It's not like something awful happened, but little by little my patience for certain behavior was filled up until it exploded this weekend into a heavy feeling of loneliness and confusion.


Maybe it's me - maybe I have an issue with communicating with the world. Maybe I expect too much. When I was in my late teens I have promised myself to never build any expectations for people in order to not get disappointed, and here I am breaking that promise. I am most disappointed. I feel lonely. I feel like nobody cares about me. I feel that if I will disappear from this earth - and by that I mean disappear from Facebook, from attending weekend goth parties and other subculture related events - no one would even notice. No one would care. Except for Boris and 3 friends, no one would.

Because the issue that I have does not concern my friends. This is not about them at all. The issues is concerned with people I see on a regular basis - people with whom I have more than 1 thing in common. People with whom I have the potential of chatting at a party, just sitting around talking about stuff. Just nice people to have around, for the most time.

So what's the issue? Nobody asks me how I am.
This is honestly so pathetic and sad that a grown ass person needs to write how lonely she is because nobody asks her "how are you?". But it's true. Whenever I meet acquaintances and we enjoy a simple talk - I always ask how they are, but nobody asks how I am doing. Nobody asks how my studies are going, how's my work, how's my band search (which has not beared fruit, to say the least).
I always ask how they are - how's the job hunt, how's work, how's the music going....
A little small talk can go a long way. Just a simple "how are you" can open a huge window to a conversation. I am the last person to talk about myself and complain in front of people, but sometimes I just want to share what has been on my mind that week. But no one actually cares.

It has happened with people that are more than just "that random familiar person you see at parties". These are people I say hello to every single weekend; actively follow them on Facebook where we exchange in some kind of interaction....
Not to mention the people I meet even more often. I might not consider them my friends but all they talk about is themselves.

It frightens me to know how many grown up people are lonely out there just because no one has smiled towards them. No one told them they're pretty. No one said that it's going to be ok.
I'm not talking about helping each other move house or engage in hours of long post-breakeup pillow talk. It's the little things we say to each other that count. Looks like I've been trying too hard being nice to everyone that it got me so lonely in the process.

Turns out no one cares. I might as well not ask you how you are. Fuck you. I've realized I have zero chill for people I have nothing in common with. I don't need to be nice to everyone, it's a quality that gets me far but can also shoot me in the leg. I don't need to waste my energy on people who don't care.
But when I try to give attention and communicate with people that I do care about and consider them somewhat as friends, even if not close friends - I get nothing in return. What's wrong with a friendly conversation? It's not just being polite. I feel like just asking how you are can go such a long way...


Boris has been comforting me through this for the last 48 hours but I just felt like sharing this here. I feel so embarrassed writing a classic teenage blog post but honestly I feel so mad at the world that I don't know how else I should describe things.
The only thing I can do is hang on to my real friends and reach out to them when I have a problem, especially a mental one. Just like I am trying to help them when something of the sort happens.

I am walking with a constant feeling of heaviness and I don't want to do anything besides just lying down. In a "scene" with so much unifying potential even a mere "how are you" is a stretch. Even in a conversation that comes to a halt, where it's only basic and natural of the other person to ask me how I am... Nothing - silence.

The Pleasures and Sorrows of Prog I

Click here for part II!

Nothing says "forever alone" than loving an unpopular music genre, be it post punk, deathrock or some weird techno subgenre. This post is dedicated to one of my biggest music loves - progressive rock.

But to make matters more interesting and exciting, I have decided to  e l a b o r a t e  on how it feels to like prog whilst being a part of a certain subculture, in this case - the goth/alternative subculture. In other words - I am going to complain passionately and discuss my favorite music. But worry not, as the following post will be a lot more fun.

As you may already know through countless mentions of bands and songs on this blog, progressive rock is one of my favorite genres, and some of my favorite albums and songs are prog. My favorite band, Opeth, are prog (more prog metal, if you don't count the latest albums): I have been listening to prog metal and 70s prog rock as a teenager with my group of friends during middle and high school and I've been listening to Mars Volta religiously in the past couple of years.

The most frustrating thing about liking different music genres whilst hanging out (or assigning oneself) in a certain subculture is finding people with mutual musical interests. Except for one friend (and now 1 more, who is being converted to like prog!) I know virtually no one who likes post punk and progressive rock (except for Boris of course). I don't know any metal people, so maybe liking progressive metal is more common in the metal scene, but there is a limited amount of progressive metal I can stomach in the first place, not to mention goths are focused solely on the 80s and beyond and not so much on 70s.

The Cure in the 80s

Pink Floyd in the 70s

Plus there's the fear (and sadly I have made the experience as well) of being judged for liking a certain music genre that goes outside of the "goth box" - fuck you for making a face when I say I like metal music, or classic rock. People focus on the image you convey with your style or when you visit goth parties they think you like only goth music. If I'd liked only goth music I'd be literally dead by now, and not in the cute romantic goth way.

Plus I feel that when people in the goth subculture like heavier music they need to hide it or make it come across as "guilty pleasure music". Fuck that too - my love for Genesis is stronger than your love for Winklepickers, ok? Also I see no harm in wearing fishnets or whatever and listening to prog. Have you seen how dark and theatrical Peter Gabriel looked like in his heyday on stage!?! No, because you have been blankly staring at your drum machine, making cheap disco music with one button.

And speaking of drum machines, and more specifically - synthesizers - I have been loathing minimal synth music and telling everyone all about it, but simply because the sky is literally the fucking limit when it comes to what you can do on the synthesizer in progressive rock. And I am not talking about insane Keith Emerson solos (some people can't calm the fuck down), I am talking about beautiful atmospheric sounds that can convey not only emotion but also tension in a very good composed song (aka Pink Floyd).

Peter Gabriel of Genesis

I am not saying everyone in the goth subculture are discriminating against people with different musical preferences, but I am saying they're more accepting towards musical genres that have more to do with goth, which makes 100% sense, but we don't all enjoy punk bands out there, and should I really elaborate on why some of the most famous and notable rock bands of all time are prog bands?

Perhaps I love prog so much because I spent my entire childhood and teenage years listening to classical music - my mom would put cds on and play the piano, and from age 10 I began playing the recorder and studying baroque and classical music, and that has turned my musical perception and understanding of it completely around.

And it all comes down to prog rock fans, who are generally huge music nerds who either have something to do with music theory or classical music, hence making them incredibly snobbish.

Oh, I have been that route alright - knowing music theory, analyzing the songs, thinking I was the only person around me who really understood where the best music was at.

Progressive rock provided me what no other rock music did - complex rhythms and beautiful harmonies and musicians with incredible skill to look up to, without them having to wear a suit and tie in a "high society" philharmonic orchestra.

Funny enough, prog wasn't the candidate to replace classical music for me, as that demanded something a lot more heavier in the simple and minimalist sense of the word - aka punk 77, post punk, dark electro and other metal genres, which I still proudly love.

Flip it around and you have prog people who hate on 4/4 time signatures, worship the fastest drummers/guitarists and look down upon popular music and the people who listen to it. That's pretty much how a lot of classical music people I studied with back in the day were acting, and that wasn't cute either.

John Petrucci & Jordan Rudess of Dream Theater

As my friend (the one who's being converted) said: "goth is lazy music", in the sense that once you listen to progressive subgenres like prog metal, post hardcore or mathcore, minimalist music that's being made with 1 synthesizer with the excuse of singing about "heavy" themes and dressing like (allegedly) no one else does, gives the impression like the people who're making it are investing no effort at all into the composition and diversity of the music, which if you ask me, can very well be achieved with 1 synthesizer. The question is, are you riding on the same wave as the bands before you or are you truly giving a though to create something unique? That is the one thing I don't get about the various wave genres, which are very interesting and unique genres.

The different aspects of what makes music to be "good music" is as subjective as anything in life itself, so I might as well end this post on the following note:
I like different music genres, there's no going around it for me, and there's no way in hell I can ever be satisfied with one music genre for the rest of my life. A kind of musicgenreamory, if you will. 

And I hate being judged for one of the things I take a certain amount of pride in: When questioned about why I like a certain genre, is for me the equivalent of being questioned about my identity, about who I am, as if I need to validate something about my individuality. 

Fuck those people. they don't know what they're talking about, and I said it before and will continue saying it again: don't let a certain stream, be it music, literature, fashion etc. dictate your entire life and put you in a box. 

And who will put you in a box exactly? Firstly, you yourself, but also the people you hang out with. Fuck those people, they are missing out on so many musically various adventures they will die of boredom in the court of the crimson king.

the most beautiful thing you'll heard today: The Mars Volta performing Asilos Magdalena

For more subculture related posts, click here.

Maria

Feminist things I dislike

Last week I went to Amsterdam with Boris, who played a gig there with Totenwald at The F Word Fest - a local diy feminist festival. The festival was great, I enjoyed the majority of the bands and it warmed my heart to hear so much post punk in one night! The atmosphere of the festival was very friendly and inclusive, everyone was nice and supportive.

from the F Word's Facebook, linked above

The reason for the post is that the festival prompted me to think about feminism more, and as I already consider myself a feminist - it made me wonder about the things I like about feminism and that speak to me more, as well as about feminist ideologies and ideas (especially in the punk subculture) that seem to be very common but which I find contradicting to my personal belief.

So before we dive (as always) into my personal perspective, I would recommend The F Word Fest to anyone who likes good music and people in the chaotic city of bikes and small streets bloated with tourists (seriously, I didn't like Amsterdam). I would love to come back to Occi, the diy collective who organized the fest, for other concerts in the future.


1. As a woman, you should be empowered by women
I already talked about this in my Feminist Role Models post, and I acknowledge how a band of huge rough men won't really appeal to women, but I personally don't need to see a woman up there to be particularly inspired. Moreover, I don't need a specifically political issue addressed to me in music to feel empowered. I just need good music made by good musicians, like I'm sure many other people do.
This whole "women empowering women" thing is highly important to me, but perhaps in other mediums - I like to watch youtubers talk about this subject, or read a book about it, but please don't shove it down my throat with music. I don't have a female musician I look up to and frankly (and maybe you've noticed as well), I like male vocals more than female vocals. I will indeed prefer a male fronted band over a female fronted band *gasp!*. It's just a matter of preference, not gender. Although if I truly think about it, I might as well identify with a male fronted band more. Call me crazy. Wish I could sing in a more rough voice than what I do, on top of that.

found on Pinterest

2. Vagina everything
Taking into account the primitive penis-flaunting that's been embedded into our culture since forever, it's no wonder that giving the vagina "the stage" is a fierce counter answer, that works on equal primitiveness and meant to (again) empower women to embrace what's theirs and not be ashamed of an organ that's been clouded with irrational mystery.
But I don't find it appealing to me, quite as much as I don't find showing off your dick appealing. It's just an organ, and singing songs about it and writing poetry about it makes me really uncomfortable. Especially singing about your period. So what?! It's just your fucking period, it's just your sexual organ, that's it. And the thought that I somehow as a woman should take pride in identifying with it makes me sick. One might probably think that I have some kind of body dysphoria by saying this, but I don't, I am very content with what's between my legs, now can we just forget about it and move on?

3. Body hair
Continuing with physiology, I really hate the body hair trend (or idea, whatever you call it). I know girls who don't shave, and I know girls who can't stand the idea of not shaving. Both are completely legitimate. I personally shave sporadically, and there are areas which I prefer shaving/trimming more than others. But I certainly don't like lots of body hair, not on women and not so much on men. I don't find it sexy at all. I do indeed have boundaries when it comes to pubic hair.
And as a feminist, I find that one should decide for themselves if to have body hair or not, and wanting to shave should not make you less of a feminist. Nor other grooming activities such as putting on makeup and being feminine. I know some people don't mind body hair, but I kind of do. And don't let me start on the whole armpit-coloring trend....

by Joanna Thangiah

4. Exclusion of men
This kind of repeats nr. 1 on this list, and it's only rare nowadays that a feminist person would succumb to the stereotype that all feminists are men haters. But what I'm talking about is the whole "women for women" thing. As said before, I will identify with a man on some occasions better than with women. It is the case with music, and perhaps with art in general.
Maybe it's because I've always hung out with boys in school, because as a young teenager I found girls boring. The boys I hung out with listened to the best music, played their music instruments largely better (sadly I find it true to this day) and later in high school I would talk about literature that I liked mostly with other guys, and we were geeks about it.
The times I got inspired by a woman are very, very rare to me. And I am sure I am not the only woman who's like that.


5. Feminists should be sexually attracted to women (at least a little)
This is a very touchy subject for me. I personally find men to be beautiful magical creatures - they are perfect, they are inspiring, they are prettier than anything else. I know many men voice their view on women with the exact same words. For me it's the opposite. There was a time in my life where I wanted to be one of the men I so adore, but that is a complex subject for a completely different post that I'll probably never write.
However, I do not consider myself to be 100% heterosexual. The attraction to women for me comes from a complicated place, a place which is not accessed easily, and which is not something that can likely happen .
So the thought of just "doing it with a girl" is terrifying for me, and is not something I can be lightheaded about and just physically do. The attraction is almost never there, unless something special happens. I cannot fully express it. Sexual encounters with women have always stayed in the box of sexual fantasies in my head, a place similar to the one of the average Joe when he watches fake lesbian porn in Pornhub. Yes, it's that trashy...
So to be so "sexually free" just for the sake of feminism is an insult to the complexity of the subject for me. Have you ever tried to go out of the comfort of your dirty mind? You'll see how mortifying it is when you do.


This list is the tip of the iceberg on the subject and I am not eager on going further into detail. Of course feminism focuses on other matters aside from identity or appearance, but the reason for writing this post was the thought that I was the only one thinking like this, the only one who calls herself a feminist with ideas contradicting mainstream feminism. Going to the F Word Fest made me see that feminism is a discussion, and that there is room for everyone's opinion. And I find it great!
What are your views on the subject?

Maria

About Things

Instead of my usual ramblings I wanted to share some recent thoughts of mine in a creative-writing kind of way. I have little free time but I always find those precious moments to think...


About Pens
You know you are an adult when you go to the store to by pens. It's always been the kind of thing that's part of the house, just like furniture, your family, food... Pens were always there - scattered in places, always old, some with a company logo on them, some are cheap that you never ran out of.
And then one day you realize that there are no pens in you house. And just like the groceries you need to regularly buy, the need to supply what usually has always been there, pens - pens are one of those things. One of your little responsibilities.


About Kisses
When someone's tongue feels as if a hand is recklessly searching through a cupboard's bottom drawer, you are not having a good kiss.

About Time Alone
I am great at being alone - I never get bored. Whenever silence rises and I know the door is closed, that is when I begin my job as a private tutor in the school of the universe. I tell you about things - exciting things, things you have never heard before, in the broadest variety of subjects. I usually choose one language to do it with, mostly English, as I imagine a young child (preferably a shy virgin boy, I like them fresh) ravenously devouring my knowledge with all his abilities of perception. I enlighten, teach, criticize - but support. I walk around the rooms, I make impressive hand gestures, sometimes standing in front of the mirror, as I talk, and talk and talk. I am giving you seminars on life.
My mom does the same.


About Children
I would like to have a child, one child. For whenever Boris is going to gigs and I am left the weekend alone. We would have quality time, do things, go for a walk, eat ice cream, take pictures of us outside, watch cartoons and wait for dad to come home and bring us something interesting from Poland, south of Germany, Italy... Then we will be together again.

Maybe I will continue this.

Maria Alexander

Back from 2 weeks in Israel

At first I was contemplating: here I grew up, discovered myself, acquired aspirations and goals, met the love of my life; these streets I walked since I could remember myself, which I could now walk with my eyes closed; this is the city that I loved, like which there is no other, I could walk to the beach in 15 min from my parents' house, I could see the rest of the city on the mountain from their balcony, a view I will never forget.

And after 2 days I remembered why I left it all.

Despite growing up in Israel and living there for more than 15 years, with each passing year it was made clear to me that I don't have a future there. 

It began with the laid back rude and in-you-face mentality and horrifyingly unfair prices, and ended with the boiling hot weather and the none existing gothic (or any) subculture that is not welcomed nor understood there.

Visiting Israel after 3 years of life in Berlin is like a blow in the face. I am so thankful for growing up there, and am proud I left.

This is not my parents' house, but a lot of houses in my neighborhood look like this. Ruins from the inside and out.

Also, look at this pretty necklace I bought there:

Now back to studying, playing music and eventually - contemplating some more.

Maria Alexander

Music I shouldn´t listen to

Unlike my way of describing things, especially in this blog, I take the music I listen to very seriously. So seriously in fact, that sometimes a bit of moodiness in a tune can send me into a long ride to the darkest corners of my mind. I have been in those before, and it turned out to be a place very difficult getting out of. I never want to visit there again, and unfortunately there is music out there which can suck me into that dark pit and make the decision of abruptly leaving this world seem very easy and welcoming.
And we all know the most beautiful music out there is in minor key...

So here is the bands/ artists that melt, clinch, chew, spit out and destroy my otherwise chilly, sarcastic little heart.

Flёur

This beautiful Ukranian folk inspired band is an entire world of dreams, melancholia and nostalgia for anyone. Too bad their music makes me so emotional I cannot listen to more than one song. I tried making my mother listen to them too because I knew she would appreciate the beautiful harmonies, but she couldn´t stomach half a song without getting teary eyes either. Their touchy lyrics don´t make it easier.

Try not to become an emotional wreck after these songs:

• Formalin (a song about hypocricy)
• Ремонт (House Repair, about growing up and never being able to become a child again. The video is beautiful too)
• Будь моим смыслом (Be My Meaning)

The Beatles

For a long time I was uneducated when it came to these dinosaurs. I was very unfortunate when I did, because aside from happier songs it meant I couldn´t listen to The Beatles´ more powerful creations, which I will list bellow. I did enjoy the Lonely Heart´s Club album which was mostly in good fun, but my heart aches when it comes to the following:

• Eleanor Rigby
• Because
• She´s Leaving Home

Asaf Avidan & The Mojos

Some of you might know Asaf Avidan from his solo career, aka this song. But before he gained world recognition (as he should have, he´s insanely talented) Asaf was crowned "the Israeli Janis Joplin" and had an amazing blues rock band with him. Boris and I were fortunate enough to see him live in our teens. Back then I found his music a lot more emotional and powerful than the stuff he does now.

And I guess this is why I cannot listen to his earlier stuff. It´s not only Janis in there, it´s my youth.

• Her Lies
• Small Change Girl

Portishead

Well, I think this needs no explanation. Nope - no heart wrenching Beth Gibbons vocals for me; no vintage styled beats to crack the earth beneath my feet; no depressing lyrics to hate myself even more; no trip-hop groove to make it all seem easy. Nope. The only excuse for me to listen to Portishead is the otherwise sexual arousal you experience from their amazing music. But if we are about to step inside our coffins here, there you go:

• Over
• Mysterons
• Roads

This is as much as my mental health can take for now. Do you have music you try to stay away from?

Maria

-

I hate to live how I live now.
I sometimes think that I have the most troubles in this world, and before I can finally get what I want I must suffer and eat shit. I think that as more shit you eat in life the better, but it sometimes feels like I will never get what I want, I will have to work hard, never rest, and hope that one day I will be pleased.
I really hate to live the way I do now. I hate most than anything to live in a flat share, but unfortunately it is the only way of living I can allow myself right now out of many reasons. I despise living with other people, especially with other idiotic men. I've never though that living with men would be such trouble for me.
I hate to suffer inside and pity myself, I never seem to have the strength to fight it, and think that the world is against me, and it makes me suffer even more, no matter which obstacles I have overcome.

I love living in Berlin, I love making my dreams come true with my bare hands, with my own will. I've never thought I will be so strong to move here, all thanks to Boris.
But sometimes I think of dying again, like I used to when I was a teen, and that I would be a huge relief to me to know that I can die in peace and willingly, without having this need to fight on.
Somehow when it comes to making my dreams come true and achieving my goals, it is only in a way of fighting that it can be done. Only through suffering, pain, disappointments and tiredness.
It is sometimes not worth it, sometimes I think that it's all well how I did until now, I can rest, I need to more. I have achieved enough and I can be proud of it, and go out of this world in peace. I think it is one of many wishes I wish to do one day.

 I really really hate to live the way I do right now. I am ashamed not to own my own apartment, not to have my own furniture. I always tell myself not to repeat my parents' mistakes. I sometimes wish not to live at all.

Sorry for this post, I felt like crying I had to let it out.

The Process

A lot of things about myself have changed ever since I moved to Berlin.
I think that after the chaos of the first few months is over and I am more or less having a routine or set of things I am already familiar with, I can finally place the cards on the table and look at myself in the mirror in order to see how different I am.

Here's a small list of the changes I am facing:

• I do not have the craving for new clothes and shoes. I used to have it for a month after moving, but currently I am disgusted by shopping malls and sales. I hate the consumerism and the craving for more and more. It seems so useless because there are so many beautiful things in this world. I want to buy only second hand for the sake of the environment. Not to mention there are plenty amazing clothes that can be re-worn in a perfect condition with no need in producing more.

• I've stopped wanting to use heavy makeup and different looks everyday. Don't worry, I will never stop contouring my eyes to make them look nothing like my natural nor using different shades of purple lipstick. It's just that when I was suffering being goth in Israel, facing 0 tolerance from the outside world towards anything alternative, looking extreme was sort of a fighting item for me. It made me confident and I used it against people who were negative to me [all people, actually]. Ever since I moved I am re-living the gothic subculture I have been longing for, and when observing the open minded society here, the freedom one weirdo could get, I understood that there is no need for me to hide anymore. I felt relief. I don't mean to say that every one who uses tons of makeup hides himself. Hell no! There are a lot of goths here who shave their eyebrows, make artsy creations on their face and it looks amazing and inspiring! I just didn't feel the need to do it anymore, because I had other motives I guess. I am also a big hater of using foundation. I basically was using it only on my eyelids for the eye shadow. I hate layering things on my face and head in general.

•  I became more aware of the world around me. I began to care about our planet, about recycling [which Germany does amazingly], about consuming and began to realize that by doing things differently I can change just a small pattern in an ugly puzzle our world does such a splendid job in being. Tell me that I would be such a caring activist a year ago and I would laugh at your face.

• I almost stopped eating meat. Due to the second change in this list I am disgusted by thinking about eating meat. It's not only less healthy due to the process the meat industry makes, but also a horrid truth what the animals are forced to endure. It fills me with so much anger and disappointing to know this fact, it breaks my heart. I have been using makeup products that weren't tested on animals for about a year and a half now and never felt the need to be vegetarian. I used to laugh at vegetarians when I was a teenager thinking they were plain masochists. However now I know exactly why people do what they do. I eat fish however because fish also eat fish, it may sound stupid but that is something I stand for. However I don't eat fish that have been over fished like Tuna for example. The only fish I eat is Salmon which is ok to eat because there is plenty in the world so far. I eat dairy products as well.

• I began to go more outside. I used to sit in front of the computer all day long doing something useless. I do it only a few times a week. Whenever I have the chance I go outside for a walk in the city or in one of the amazing parks in Berlin. Maybe it's like cheating, because I frankly could have done the same in Israel. But there are almost no normal parks in Israel, and I could never bare the humid hot weather. Here on the other hand whenever the sun is shining I smile, because there is some breeze blowing and one could only enjoy the hot days. I was surprised how I longed for a normal European Spring for my entire life. I can't wait for it to be Summer here, because it's something people actually enjoy [well for the most part].

• I began practicing Wicca again after my last time in December 2012, right after Boris and I left our apartment to live with my mother right before we moved to Berlin. I now feel the energy coming back to me, the craving for reading about everything, experimenting and concentrating on things I couldn't before. I feel that in some way it disciplines me [I among all people need discipline to go forward] and helps me release myself from psychological boundaries I used to have. I really hope Wicca would help me find the best sides in me and develop myself, without constantly looking at the past and filling myself with self pity that has never helped me.

So far so good. If someone has an opinion about what I wrote I would be happy to read it! I would gladly talk to anyone about any subject, especially if it means breaking a taboo ;)
I did this post mainly for myself to understand where I stand [Skeletal Family lyric blast?!] but if it was interesting for someone please let me know!

Have a wonderful weekend. I will try to enjoy a Cold Wave/ Minimal/ Post Punk party tonight. It's not my fave combination but there's some live act so I hope to take pictures!

One last thing:
I have changed my super gothy and dark internet nick to N. Finsternis, simply because I didn't like the scramble of words that make no sense type of nickname. N is stands for the former Nebel [mist in German] and Finsternis is Darkness in German as well.

N. Finsternis

Your past and your journey.

Since we've moved to Berlin we've met so many interesting people from all over the world, and many of them came here for the same reason as us.
It is funny that for German people who live here, knowing you were born in country A, speak language B, moved to country C to speak language D only to move to country E is very strange.
It is often that I remember here that this is exactly what I have been through for all my life- moving around. I never lived in one land for too long to make it my homeland, I can't even tell what that means. I only lived for 15 years in Israel only to discover from almost the very beginning that I hate to live where my parents had brought me. I can't say it was a waste to live in Israel, because I only won by knowing another language that I like using, knowing myself and where I want to be, and for the best part- meeting my first love, and knowing that this would be the man I would spend my entire life with.
But I can't say I am not afraid that Germany won't serve me as a home more than as a stopping point. I really want to find a place where I would feel I can settle and know I can make a future in, but I know there would be a lot traveling ahead, and I am yet not expecting to find my "home" so easily. However, sometimes I feel sad for myself [luckily not as much as in the past] that I always have to move from one place to another and work hard to find a place like home. I think that among the other things in my life this is the most important one for me to do. I can sat I sometimes envy people who can live in one city for the rest of their lives having a patriotic and connected feeling with their country, without having the effort to find a special place for themselves. But I assume those people have problems of their own ;)
I think that what made strong the feeling of unfitting in my soul was all those migrations from one country to another when I was little. Not to mention that it was really hard for me to go to first class in Israel not only not knowing the language, but having no clue what school really was like, because I never attended kindergarten a lot hence I was sick for long periods when I was like 3-5 years old. I imagine that the school bullying that followed made everything worse, made me feel rejected and different. By the way, I didn't want to be different when I was a kid. I wanted to be just like everyone else in the class, without being bugged or called names. My mom always told me I was special and beautiful and made my hair pretty with ribbons and accessories, which would be stolen by other kids from the different schools I would attend each year, because in Israel we moved apartments frequently, and also because it was so uncool to wear huge accessories to your hair... Most kids don't want to be alternative or different, they ant to blend...
In addition to all this, I can also assume that when my brother was born, I was 8, and I realized that I will always live with him in the same room for the rest of my life. It was such a doomed feeling for me, I was angry at my parents more and more as I grew up for not having my private space, for never having it because they didn't have enough money to rent a bigger flat, and they never would have, nor they never understood how important it is for a growing up child to have his own room. When I was younger I literary saw this as the tragedy of my life and I hated everybody. This is something you could easily see as exaggerated feelings, but they only made me want one thing- get the hell out and far away from my parents' house. Something that I did achieve on my own by moving with Boris to an apartment when I was 19.
I won't get into details of my relationship with my family and the relationship of my mom and dad with one another, that is far too long and not as bad as I may portray it, nor my critique about them would be relevant here.

I am not trying to complain to you by writing it [I secretly am, but you don't mind I guess], I am only saying that by understanding the things that hurt you, you can know how you can repair the broken parts of your soul, or at least understand where all your negative feelings are coming from, and why are you acting or thinking this and that. For many many years I was feeling that everyone was against me, and I still kind of feel it in the relationship with my mother or other people. But it is very important to know your weaknesses and traumas, to know how to become a stronger person who will live in harmony with himself and the others. And more importantly- would be able to raise a family of his own in the future.

By the way, here's my new haircut.

Pardon the depressive note this post ends in, but there haven't been such thoughts in my life for some time now, and I was getting worried I was in denial or something or merely sweeping these memories and feelings under the rug. I had to nourish myself a bit by letting it out.

Maybe you also have feelings like those regarding home and family? I would love to hear about it and talk, to help you and me bring a smile on each other's face.

Have a good week everyone!

Moving in and moving out + Hair obsessions

The past couple of days have been pure hell, however it payed off, of course, like all challenges and frightening things in our lives. Yes, a very new discovery.

We've found a beautiful room 2 days ago, in which we moved in right the day after, it was perfectly timed for us, definitely a sign.

Fun Fact: after being dissapointed, misled, stressed out and furious on everyone, I tend to look at everything good and bad that happens as a sign, to make it somewhat bearable. It works well, maybe because it's kind of true.

Anyways, the room is beautifully furnished. I haven't taken any pictures yet because we still haven't fully unpacked, but you'll be delighted to know that there is an antique piece of furniture here, and an amazingly surprising gothicly inclined bed. AKA- my dream bed for a dream room I was longing to have for all my life.
When we get everything done I PROMISE to take pictures of it. Unlike my post promises, hehe ^^''

The only awkward part of it all is our flat mate. He lived on the second floor of his apartment and we don't even see him a lot, a nice guy really, a pacifist supporting free information in the world and free internet... but he's a mess. And by saying that I mean he's really untidy, messy, and his flat looks like hell. I don't even want to get started talking about the kitchen, which Boris and I made the decision to scrub until it will look almost new. Because currently it's partially nuclear. The complete opposite of appetizing.

I am having some hair issues lately, which makes me wear my hair in a pony tail, something that I do when my hair is dirty and looks bad [currently isn't]. I really want to have a major haircut, but I cannot have one yet because I need to row out my fringe. I really miss my long fringe, because I came to the understanding [the second time in my life] that my problematic facial frame looks disgusting and demands a long fringe to make it look the way I want to.
Here are the options I am looking through:

I obviously want this perfect dress.

I am really debating on it, maybe i'll get something like the last picture. My haircolor will still be black of course. Funny that all those hairstyles I had until I was 12, so it's not new to me to want a hair cut so short. In fact, I despise long hair on myself, because it's too heavy and has no meaning...

Well, that's that.
Stay strong!

+ Nebel Violet +

The Struggle for Living

So I wasn't accepted to the art school.
In fact, I came the other day with all the stuff they asked to bring for the entrance exam to find out that i wasn't even on the list of the accepted.
It was done with my portfolio which apparently didn't impress as I hoped.
I was worried and down a bit this morning, but frankly, I'm kind of relieved. I wasn't too passionate to study fashion [I'm not passionate to study anything really], and in comparison to the other dozens of participants I believe my spot was given to someone more ambitious.
Studying in Germany was only an excuse to live here, which then will give me an opportunity to stay there forever.
I gave it a thought and decided I should go to a "normal" university, mainly because they accept everyone and it will provide my chance to stay, and also because I do want to enrich myself with knowledge I was interested in through my years of growing up.

Boris helped me a lot during the day to find a study program that will fit me. After viewing the subjects provided at Frei Universitaet [the same one Boris is going to go study Art History at] I've decided on applying to Filmwissenschaft, which is the science of Film making, or basically the art of Film, including stuff like understanding the message behind movies and the history of it etc etc.
In the end I'm actually getting a "Bachelor of the Arts" diploma. Wow!
The reason I've decided to pick this subject if because I really do love Film, classic movies and indie especially, and I do have a lot of passion for photography, which is so connected to the movies I love and the two inspire me all the time. So I guess maybe it's a better choice than fashion ;)

I will go to the university tomorrow to see what I need in order to apply. There's still time for the winter semester. Until then I'll be studying German and watching lots of movies!

I've also decided to make a movie journal. Every time I watch a movie I will write down what I liked and found fascinating or well done, and what things I didn't like and weren't clear understood and stuff. This is such a new thing I never thought on doing! I am kind of excited!

Next post: None Goth bands that I like.

I promise this time ;)

+ Nebel Violet +   

Something inside me has died

It was funny to see all the lights of the city as we walked the cold snowy streets, but it wasn't really cold because we were so warm inside.
Listening to this beautiful music, knowing that you in a safe place surrounded by people who think like you and the odd chance that you will be understood finally seems close.

It was in the underground, literary, like in a huge grave where there are other people looking like you, some interesting and colorful and some just dressed in black.. but the beautiful lights were everywhere, and the music was coming from inside the ground and into your heart. I felt happy, though I knew what will come of it when it has ended.

Because after such parties and fun, drinks and people that I like so much, I always feel very very alone and distant from the rest of the world. And it doesn't matter where in the globe I will be located, this lonesome feeling will always be there. And it doesn't matter who loves me and cares about me, they will never ever understand how I feel, although they can forever try....

I hate compassion and caring from others, because I cannot explain myself to other people. I am afraid that whenever I begin a conversation it is always about myself and it gets darker and sadder. People always talk about fun things, I'm just not as interested in those subjects. I want to talk about dread, about loneliness and fear, about the things that torture me all my life and no one can understand them but me.

I don't feel like smiling today, I am sorry. I don't want to see anybody, I want everyone to be gone and the walls to turn black and the sun to hide behind a cloud.
I feel like being pretty and ugly at the same time.

Angst

These past few days have been very hard on me.
So much to do and everything feels so new! I sometimes amuse myself how I often say that i have chosen a difficult path and then get surprised it is so difficult...

In February I will have my entrance exams for the art school to study fashion design. My heart kind of aches because I am more passionate to study photography, but unfortunately as it seems, I will have problems considering my visa if I will apply for a private school and not for a governmental facility. And every school for photography is a private school which offers no BA whatsoever, so I'm left for fighting it to get into the fashion studies, which I've wanted for a long time, but I'm afraid I won't be happy there.

Which brings me to further panic [as always], because in February my entrance exams seem pretty intense  Not only will I have to handle a portfolio and a homework assignment, I will also have to spend 3 days in the school literary competing with other people like me doing all sorts of creative assignments, on which will be based the final decision whether I would be accepted or not.
I am really afraid not to be accepted, because then I will have to search for a different place to study only next year, and applying for 2 places at the same time is complicated.
And if I will not be accepted anywhere then my dream of living in Germany will be kind of dead. And I cannot go back to Israel even if it will cost me a lifetime. That was my decision.

 I am in a mood for fighting my way no matter what, but sometimes, and without the support of my family or friends, my self confidence fades away as if it never was there [never was actually] and I begin to think I will not be able to make it although I keep on telling myself that I have the strength.
But from the other hand, as Carlos Ruiz Safon had said, what's the point in succeeding with your goals if you are receiving support from your family?
True in my case.

I think I wrote it in my last post, that I tend to pity myself. Well, I guess denying it would be foolish.
But the thing that I am most afraid of, is if everything will eventually be alright, and I will not even realize it. I will think that my life in sinking no matter how much I have tried and I will raise my hands and give up, letting everything pass me by without noticing any progress.

Since I cane to Berlin I keep asking myself what do I really want here. Because studying is just a cover for living here.

Perhaps this is the saddest story...

The past couple of days have been horrible.
If at first I was afraid of moving so far away, then now I can positively say I am more eager than ever.
I don't know how to describe it here, but I've always hated the place where I came from, the place most people like to call "family" or "home."
I've never been connected there, I've dreamed of moving out and finally did so when I was 19, to be together with my love, to live life just a bit for myself and not intruded by the presence of others and the complete lack of privacy.

But to tell you the truth, that "home" place did taught me a valuable lesson which I'll cherish for the rest of my life, and it is everything I don't want my personal future home nor family to be like.
And what I've learned from mother, is the most valuable of all: the person I would never want to be.

I am basically counting the hours but the days until our flight. I have never wanted to get so far away from something so close and suffocating before.

I only have one tip for anyone who couldn't understand what I just wrote:
Don't ever live with your parents after you've reached maturity. It is the worst mistake and it only destroys.

A Blitzkrieg

Soo...
things have been a bit crazy lately. From one hand, everything is going as planned, but from the other hand I feel like blitzkrieging everything in my life right now.
And it seems that a blietzkrieg is what actually will happen.

I can't tell you all the details yet because it's sort of a secret, because none of us knows what actually is gonna happen, but to say the least- Boris won't perform in the Israeli Gothic Festival because of that reason.

I feel very nervous and happy. But November proved to me that if you want your ass kicked to get to do something- you'll get that kick and what you wanted will eventually come, whether you like it or not, or even expected it that way.
On the other hand- we planned this for over a year, and we never achieved so much as we did throughout this month.

I am in a  state of shock the past days, a good shock, because so many things have happened and changed, and we both are frightened as hell but also excited.

More specific updates are soon to come.

+ Nebel Violet +

More picture galore + War in Israel

Because I had a splendid outfit and makeup the other day.

 So there' like war again in Israel in the south of the country [I live in the north]. It's ok, it's fine, every one of the sides is bombing the other, people sitting in shelters and the TV's broadcasting where EXACTLY every rocket fell which is totally stupid and so none tactical. My mom is hosting our lovely relatives from the south. I have my relatives, but there ones I like. Gonna visit mom tomorrow.
This whole war thing [which is so not exciting in Israel as much as the whole world] keeps reminding me about the second Lebanon war in 2006 where the north of IL was bombed. I was like 14 and we had so much fun, literary, running to the shelter every half an hour and after a day like this we ran to our relatives in the south of the country. Spent the entire summer at the pool and then came back to school as if nothing happened. And then I met Boris at a party! Hey that actually was the last summer before I met him. How nice .

So anywho, last days were really tiring for me at work, and today I'm gonna party at a Victorian themed EBM party. Boris and I have a surprise outfit ^^

So far so good considering the Israeli Gothic festival. They're going to have a meeting with all the band to see who against who and when. I'm gonna attend as well because they said I can come. Certainly can't wait for that!

Fun fact: the only 9 months of my army service I was in the Home Front Command. I basically instructed children and adults [came to schools and work places] how to defend yourself at a life threatening situation s.a. earthquakes, fires and war. And how to wear a gas-mask properly. That was totally Cyber Goth :)

Have a nice safe weekend! Don't go out of shelter before 10 minutes have past!!! 

+ Nebel Violet +

A dream come true?

Ever since the 6th grade I've been dreaming of becoming a model. This decision was made after realizing that I am no good at anything regarding mathematics or science, and in general I had always trouble getting good grades at school. I did good at things I loved such as music, art, literature and english, but that came only later on when I went to high school [and then again I didn't have straight A's so to speak].

And from one hand, my mother always told me how I am difficult in educating, how lazy am I and I will never succeed and literary have no brains. This really was hard on me when I was in elementary school because I thought I wasn't good at anything.

But from the other hand, my mother always told me how beautiful I am, and what beautiful face and body and hands do I have and me being the prettiest of the entire class etc. etc...

I don't know how this influence me nowadays, I don't really care about the tastes of my mother, but the past month has been full of interesting photoshoots and others are soon to come.

And I wonder if one day I could really model seriously. I obviously don't have the weight and height to be a fashion model [and that world is so damn dirty anyway] but I do have the characteristics and ability to show something pretty and interesting using my body and face. So I can always try, no?

What I'm trying to say here, is that we always crave to fulfill our dreams, we set high obstacles to ourselves that we hope one day to achieve, we dream but sometimes we don't fight enough to make those dreams come true, or they being left as a mere fantasy and we forget about them only to remember them years later and regret we haven't done them when we had the time/age.

It's hard for me to believe that before my very eyes and without much effort my dream is, sort of, becoming true. I am modeling, and even if it's free and for small project that none professionals often take part in, and that even if I'll have a modlesmayhem account I won't find a real job in this because of me living in the country I live.

But I am still doing something, something that makes me look at a photo and makes me happy I am in this, I am modeling and making myself look the way I do, the way I want.

It is as if I am actually following "The Alchemist" after I read it.

I don't know how to describe it, but it simply makes me happy.

And I hope maybe, just maybe, when I'll go study fashion in Berlin as I plan, I will meet lots of people and get exposed, and then I could do what I am best at: being myself, and expressing myself and my visual beliefs  with makeup, clothing and my body.

I have no idea what will give me the highest pleasure out of the entire hobbies I have, but I a hoping that modeling would be it.

+ Nebel Violet +

Arg! Stressing!

We got the keys of our new apartment yesterday, we got up early today to clean every corner of it today [was a very smart decision not to be lazy] and the next 3 days, or shall I say the next week, is going to be so stressful I don't even know what to expect.

We're gonna move all our stuff with my father's car tomorrow, leaving only our internet in the old apartment. Which leads us to the following question- when we'll move the internet? I need to call the costumer service and tell them we're moving, but this will happen only the day after tomorrow because it's fucking holiday and it is ruining all my plans. I also need to make sure the guys from costumer service could be able to send someone this week because we want to leave our old dump as soon as possible! Funny I actually work in the same company from which our internet comes from. Shitty company, don't ever go there :)

However the stress, I feel I am finally falling in love with our new place! It has 2 rooms when our old place had 1 and a half, and it has nice taps, floor, toilet and shower and the house is full of students just like us, with no weird neighbors and mold that could infect your entire apartment in the winter [it happened, it was horrid and made us terribly sick].

The only problem is that we can't keep an animal in the new place. That is, the other people that lived there told us that as long as the owner of the house has no idea about it, it's ok. So we're gonna have a secret mission moving our sphinx rat to our new apartment. He's gonna love it ^-^

Boris holds Misch. This is from his first days with us! Has grown rather large since then.

What also stressing is a "goffik fashion" photoshoot that was planned by a 16 year old girl on Thursday, which I'll be taking part in. Why? Because she invited me after looking at my recent photoshoot that I posted here, and it is also important for me as a makeup artist to participate as much as possible is different free of charge shit, as this. I really hope this won't be so amateur as it can be, I hope to get the best of it anyway.

Speaking of photoshoots, I have a new picture Palina sent me!

Yay I look... rather sad and the ugly shape of my face is actually visible here. And my eyes are too close.

But whatever, I like the colors of it, I look 30 years back!

Anywho that's all for today,

Must I say thanks a lot for the new readers, I couldn't have done it without Natalie's mentioning me in one of her recent posts [OMG!]. Thanks so much this means a lot!

So yeah, thank you everyone, I am going to sleep after a storm of doing and arranging.

+ Nebel Violet +

Alone

I hate it when I stay alone and all those heavy thought come and won't let me do the things I want to, won't let me function.
I came across this feeling a lot this year, and what most disturbing is- it has never happened again before.
I tend to have these days.. actually there are two types of days:

1. When I wake up with the most horrid mood in the universe, and it's a long day that I must survive through all of it because I have plenty of activities including work and I must have the energy for all of them. Instead I just keep thinking how bad is my life and the way it turned out, I pity myself and everything considering my life and unable to function at all. I can't cooperate with anything and I just leave work in the middle saying I am not feeling well, go home, tell what I feel to Boris for like the billion time, and constantly convince myself that I shouldn't think these thought but I am unable to deny they tend to have better control over me than I am over them...
2. When I wake up I am in an neutral mood doing what I planned for the day, perhaps extra even, everything is alright but when Boris leaves for work or I am done with everything and there's some blank amount of time left I suddenly sink into deep sadness and misery, pretending everything is so bad even if I started the day perfectly natural... And it prevents me from going on, I am just stuck and can't do anything to get myself out of this such as drawing and writing [like now] etc.

I am in the 2nd state now. Boris if off for work but he'll shortly be back, it's been a couple of days for me to rest until I begin being busy again, I am trying to draw some sketches and it looks fine but I can't burn the remaining time until Boris comes back properly. I am also down by the fact that I need to wake up at 6 in the morning tomorrow for work... We also have a german lessom tomorrow and it keeps reminding me that no matter how many times I say to myself I should practice more I don't practice properly... and then i end up understanding less than I thought.... though I am making progress.

And  although me and Boris had an amazing and quiet day together, we even started to pack a little bit for our new apartment, I have discovered two bands that I like, I still feel like shit.

I never was diagnosed with anything because I never opened up with this condition to anyone, perhaps it is an influence from my ever denying mother, who likes to deny anything that is negative, persuading herself everything's fine.

And this is another thing that makes me upset- my "family". No matter how I tried I cannot help the ones I cannot change, the person who is supposed to be my [step] father giving no shit about me [he never did really, but he is not a bad person nonetheless] not to mention my real father trying to give a shit after 20 years of ignorance, my mother who's life is breaking apart and she needs psychological and sociological help herself, but as I said before, denies it with all her might, not to mention the fact that my brother throws shit at her, because he is terribly spoiled and no matter how many times I lectured my mom she should change her methods concerning him she of course, denies it, leaving herself doing everything around the house without my brother helping her.

I think this is enough gut spilling for a while, it only looks this bad, it isn't, and as I said on the previous post- I must fight the challenges life gives me. I can only be one man to myself being supported with the people that love me, or decide who really cares about me and stick to them.

This is why sometimes I hate being alone.

Because when I was 15 with those thoughts, sitting friday nights alone without Boris because there was no public traffic to help us meet, writing my guts out using poetry and short stories, I could actually use my depression to create.

Somehow this changed and I have lost this ability. I have many hobbies but none of them is meant for draining grief. I suppose I should find one, but then again- I still don't think something's missing.