8 May 2017

Meeting my biological father for the first time after 23 years

My mom divorced my biological father when I was 3 years old and married my "step dad". I mentioned numerous times that I hate calling the latter my "step dad" since he's the only father I've ever had and even though we look nothing alike and are different people - I couldn't imagine a different father. I will use these terms just for the sake of this post.

My mom has been in contact with my biological father through social media in the past few years. Aside from that and a few old photographs he has never been present in my life. It was fine, I wasn't mad at him or anything, and my mom never spoke ill of him. He is a trumpet player, he's a very intellectual kind of person and he's been living in Spain with his other wife and son for a while. All this was known to me for many years.

Things changed a few years ago when he got into an awful car accident and spent a month in a coma. His health got worse, he could hardly play. But then he started writing me on Facebook, which was a turn of events I didn't expect. Aside form me having zero emotion for him, his communication was difficult due to the accident he's been through. Sometimes his messages made no sense and I would tell mom about it and how I don't get what he wants of me. But when people are hit with their own mortality you know god damn well what they want.

Coincidentally my biological father planned on visiting Berlin for the march of 9th of May, victory day. Also coincidentally - Boris and I planned on flying to Israel that very day. I told him that if he'd come a day earlier we would meet. And so he did.

It wasn't all that strange to meet him. He was very emotional, excited. I was nervous too, yet I had no expectations. I was curious if I could find something hidden about myself that I would notice through this person. Through a person that is related to me by blood.
We had lunch, he talked about his achievements as older people usually do. I respect him a lot for starting life from scratch in Spain, from making music on the streets to having his own ensemble of musicians. The conversation went on and my thoughts brought on the realization that our mannerisms are totally different. More so - our way of identifying and presenting ourselves is very different.

It's not like my heart was opened to a different place or anything. It was nice to see him, I'm happy it happened now and not before.
Yet I couldn't help but to be glad that my life has turned out the way it is: that this man was indeed not present in my life. I was so glad I did not have a very deep connection with my "step dad" when I was a kid and teenager. I was glad that we fought and that I thought he didn't understand me. I was glad that I felt misplaced and felt that the presence of an intellectual father figure was constantly missing, and instead there was a different one.
Because this was what drove me to become who I am. This has made me come across different types of people from a different social background, and to learn to love them, accept and respect them.
The dad I've had since the age of 3 is exactly the person I should have had, and meeting my biological dad today has made me miss my real dad even more.
Because things are just fine the way they are, especially seeing the connection my brother has with my "step dad" makes me see him from a different point of view. It's his biological father after all and I have learned so much from that and wouldn't ever want anyone else in that place.

So the meeting was nice overall, and my biological father cares for me more than I thought and wishes me only the best, and that's a very comforting things to know. I guess this was a kind of closure in a way, and maybe I am even more confident in who I am thanks to my biography which - whilst being a child and teenager - I had a huge difficulty explaining to myself.

Tomorrow Boris and I are going to Israel for 2 weeks and I can't wait to see my family.



  1. At least you have music performance in common. He's probably proud of you. My dad reconnected when I was an adult as well, and I feel sorry for him because his children (me too) don't really care one way or another. We've lived full lives without him. He's in his 80s and lives alone...it's sad.

    1. Oh my, it does sound sad. With age people want to reconnect because they start feeling their own mortality and loneliness.

  2. I have never personally been in your situation so I don't know what I could say regarding this. On the other hand, I think it was very brave of you for doing what you did. Have fun in Israel with Boris.

    1. Thanks!
      After a few days I actually forgot about the incident. I had spent a nice quality time with my dad in Israel though :)

  3. This proves that being a father is so much more than just sharing same genes. :) I hope you have a lovely time in Israel!