And from one hand, my mother always told me how I am difficult in educating, how lazy am I and I will never succeed and literary have no brains. This really was hard on me when I was in elementary school because I thought I wasn't good at anything.
But from the other hand, my mother always told me how beautiful I am, and what beautiful face and body and hands do I have and me being the prettiest of the entire class etc. etc...
I don't know how this influence me nowadays, I don't really care about the tastes of my mother, but the past month has been full of interesting photoshoots and others are soon to come.
And I wonder if one day I could really model seriously. I obviously don't have the weight and height to be a fashion model [and that world is so damn dirty anyway] but I do have the characteristics and ability to show something pretty and interesting using my body and face. So I can always try, no?
What I'm trying to say here, is that we always crave to fulfill our dreams, we set high obstacles to ourselves that we hope one day to achieve, we dream but sometimes we don't fight enough to make those dreams come true, or they being left as a mere fantasy and we forget about them only to remember them years later and regret we haven't done them when we had the time/age.
It's hard for me to believe that before my very eyes and without much effort my dream is, sort of, becoming true. I am modeling, and even if it's free and for small project that none professionals often take part in, and that even if I'll have a modlesmayhem account I won't find a real job in this because of me living in the country I live.
But I am still doing something, something that makes me look at a photo and makes me happy I am in this, I am modeling and making myself look the way I do, the way I want.
It is as if I am actually following "The Alchemist" after I read it.
I don't know how to describe it, but it simply makes me happy.
And I hope maybe, just maybe, when I'll go study fashion in Berlin as I plan, I will meet lots of people and get exposed, and then I could do what I am best at: being myself, and expressing myself and my visual beliefs with makeup, clothing and my body.
I have no idea what will give me the highest pleasure out of the entire hobbies I have, but I a hoping that modeling would be it.
+ Nebel Violet +