I hate to live how I live now.
I sometimes think that I have the most troubles in this world, and before I can finally get what I want I must suffer and eat shit. I think that as more shit you eat in life the better, but it sometimes feels like I will never get what I want, I will have to work hard, never rest, and hope that one day I will be pleased.
I really hate to live the way I do now. I hate most than anything to live in a flat share, but unfortunately it is the only way of living I can allow myself right now out of many reasons. I despise living with other people, especially with other idiotic men. I've never though that living with men would be such trouble for me.
I hate to suffer inside and pity myself, I never seem to have the strength to fight it, and think that the world is against me, and it makes me suffer even more, no matter which obstacles I have overcome.
I love living in Berlin, I love making my dreams come true with my bare hands, with my own will. I've never thought I will be so strong to move here, all thanks to Boris.
But sometimes I think of dying again, like I used to when I was a teen, and that I would be a huge relief to me to know that I can die in peace and willingly, without having this need to fight on.
Somehow when it comes to making my dreams come true and achieving my goals, it is only in a way of fighting that it can be done. Only through suffering, pain, disappointments and tiredness.
It is sometimes not worth it, sometimes I think that it's all well how I did until now, I can rest, I need to more. I have achieved enough and I can be proud of it, and go out of this world in peace. I think it is one of many wishes I wish to do one day.
I really really hate to live the way I do right now. I am ashamed not to own my own apartment, not to have my own furniture. I always tell myself not to repeat my parents' mistakes. I sometimes wish not to live at all.
Sorry for this post, I felt like crying I had to let it out.