13 December 2013


I hate to live how I live now.
I sometimes think that I have the most troubles in this world, and before I can finally get what I want I must suffer and eat shit. I think that as more shit you eat in life the better, but it sometimes feels like I will never get what I want, I will have to work hard, never rest, and hope that one day I will be pleased.
I really hate to live the way I do now. I hate most than anything to live in a flat share, but unfortunately it is the only way of living I can allow myself right now out of many reasons. I despise living with other people, especially with other idiotic men. I've never though that living with men would be such trouble for me.
I hate to suffer inside and pity myself, I never seem to have the strength to fight it, and think that the world is against me, and it makes me suffer even more, no matter which obstacles I have overcome.

I love living in Berlin, I love making my dreams come true with my bare hands, with my own will. I've never thought I will be so strong to move here, all thanks to Boris.
But sometimes I think of dying again, like I used to when I was a teen, and that I would be a huge relief to me to know that I can die in peace and willingly, without having this need to fight on.
Somehow when it comes to making my dreams come true and achieving my goals, it is only in a way of fighting that it can be done. Only through suffering, pain, disappointments and tiredness.
It is sometimes not worth it, sometimes I think that it's all well how I did until now, I can rest, I need to more. I have achieved enough and I can be proud of it, and go out of this world in peace. I think it is one of many wishes I wish to do one day.

 I really really hate to live the way I do right now. I am ashamed not to own my own apartment, not to have my own furniture. I always tell myself not to repeat my parents' mistakes. I sometimes wish not to live at all.

Sorry for this post, I felt like crying I had to let it out.


  1. It's normal feeling bad sometimes, but don't give up! you had the strenght many much older people didn't have! hold on and think positive as much as you can! enjoy little things, smile and be positive! everything will be good :)

  2. Most people just stay in the town where they grew up and don't do anything. It's not easy to carve your own path. Stay strong...it'll pass.

  3. I understand all you're saying! We always have to put on a fight to get everything and some people just get what they want in two seconds, but that doesn't mean that our lifes sucks! I mean, the small things that we get they have this huge pleasure when is in our hands, and that's because we worked really hard to get it! just hang it on, try to do all the things you love and the things you're not happy with it try to change for the best!!


  4. Never give up, Nebel Violet Finsternis. You are so young, and very few who have big dreams and ambitions and weren't handed everything on a silver platter have ever been satisfied with their lives at your age. You are a hard worker. Eventually, you will get to where you want to be - it just takes time and a lot of crap to go through first sometimes. :o)

  5. I absolutely know how you're feeling -- I feel the same way more than I want to admit... and sometimes, it is really, really hard to keep going since everything just keeps being shitty, no matter what (it seems) you do to make things better... I really hope that things start to fall into place for you soon and that your dreams work out. You've already done a heck of a lot more than most people do. Good luck.