26 January 2013

Something inside me has died

It was funny to see all the lights of the city as we walked the cold snowy streets, but it wasn't really cold because we were so warm inside.
Listening to this beautiful music, knowing that you in a safe place surrounded by people who think like you and the odd chance that you will be understood finally seems close.

It was in the underground, literary, like in a huge grave where there are other people looking like you, some interesting and colorful and some just dressed in black.. but the beautiful lights were everywhere, and the music was coming from inside the ground and into your heart. I felt happy, though I knew what will come of it when it has ended.

Because after such parties and fun, drinks and people that I like so much, I always feel very very alone and distant from the rest of the world. And it doesn't matter where in the globe I will be located, this lonesome feeling will always be there. And it doesn't matter who loves me and cares about me, they will never ever understand how I feel, although they can forever try....

I hate compassion and caring from others, because I cannot explain myself to other people. I am afraid that whenever I begin a conversation it is always about myself and it gets darker and sadder. People always talk about fun things, I'm just not as interested in those subjects. I want to talk about dread, about loneliness and fear, about the things that torture me all my life and no one can understand them but me.

I don't feel like smiling today, I am sorry. I don't want to see anybody, I want everyone to be gone and the walls to turn black and the sun to hide behind a cloud.
I feel like being pretty and ugly at the same time.


  1. I hug you in my thoughts... hope you feel better soon...

  2. I have depression too...it really sucks. The thing is, I want to just hide in my room and be alone. I know it isn't good for me, because it will get worse that way. Instead, I force myself to get out and meet new people and try new things (it keeps my mind occupied). It's worked for me so far.

    1. For me basically works also doing something too, something out of the ordinary.
      I never was diagnosed though.