Angst

These past few days have been very hard on me.
So much to do and everything feels so new! I sometimes amuse myself how I often say that i have chosen a difficult path and then get surprised it is so difficult...

In February I will have my entrance exams for the art school to study fashion design. My heart kind of aches because I am more passionate to study photography, but unfortunately as it seems, I will have problems considering my visa if I will apply for a private school and not for a governmental facility. And every school for photography is a private school which offers no BA whatsoever, so I'm left for fighting it to get into the fashion studies, which I've wanted for a long time, but I'm afraid I won't be happy there.

Which brings me to further panic [as always], because in February my entrance exams seem pretty intense  Not only will I have to handle a portfolio and a homework assignment, I will also have to spend 3 days in the school literary competing with other people like me doing all sorts of creative assignments, on which will be based the final decision whether I would be accepted or not.
I am really afraid not to be accepted, because then I will have to search for a different place to study only next year, and applying for 2 places at the same time is complicated.
And if I will not be accepted anywhere then my dream of living in Germany will be kind of dead. And I cannot go back to Israel even if it will cost me a lifetime. That was my decision.

 I am in a mood for fighting my way no matter what, but sometimes, and without the support of my family or friends, my self confidence fades away as if it never was there [never was actually] and I begin to think I will not be able to make it although I keep on telling myself that I have the strength.
But from the other hand, as Carlos Ruiz Safon had said, what's the point in succeeding with your goals if you are receiving support from your family?
True in my case.

I think I wrote it in my last post, that I tend to pity myself. Well, I guess denying it would be foolish.
But the thing that I am most afraid of, is if everything will eventually be alright, and I will not even realize it. I will think that my life in sinking no matter how much I have tried and I will raise my hands and give up, letting everything pass me by without noticing any progress.

Since I cane to Berlin I keep asking myself what do I really want here. Because studying is just a cover for living here.