26 September 2012


I hate it when I stay alone and all those heavy thought come and won't let me do the things I want to, won't let me function.
I came across this feeling a lot this year, and what most disturbing is- it has never happened again before.
I tend to have these days.. actually there are two types of days:

  1. When I wake up with the most horrid mood in the universe, and it's a long day that I must survive through all of it because I have plenty of activities including work and I must have the energy for all of them. Instead I just keep thinking how bad is my life and the way it turned out, I pity myself and everything considering my life and unable to function at all. I can't cooperate with anything and I just leave work in the middle saying I am not feeling well, go home, tell what I feel to Boris for like the billion time, and constantly convince myself that I shouldn't think these thought but I am unable to deny they tend to have better control over me than I am over them...
  2. When I wake up I am in an neutral mood doing what I planned for the day, perhaps extra even, everything is alright but when Boris leaves for work or I am done with everything and there's some blank amount of time left I suddenly sink into deep sadness and misery, pretending everything is so bad even if I started the day perfectly natural... And it prevents me from going on, I am just stuck and can't do anything to get myself out of this such as drawing and writing [like now] etc.
I am in the 2nd state now. Boris if off for work but he'll shortly be back, it's been a couple of days for me to rest until I begin being busy again, I am trying to draw some sketches and it looks fine but I can't burn the remaining time until Boris comes back properly. I am also down by the fact that I need to wake up at 6 in the morning tomorrow for work... We also have a german lessom tomorrow and it keeps reminding me that no matter how many times I say to myself I should practice more I don't practice properly... and then i end up understanding less than I thought.... though I am making progress.
And  although me and Boris had an amazing and quiet day together, we even started to pack a little bit for our new apartment, I have discovered two bands that I like, I still feel like shit.

I never was diagnosed with anything because I never opened up with this condition to anyone, perhaps it is an influence from my ever denying mother, who likes to deny anything that is negative, persuading herself everything's fine.
And this is another thing that makes me upset- my "family". No matter how I tried I cannot help the ones I cannot change, the person who is supposed to be my [step] father giving no shit about me [he never did really, but he is not a bad person nonetheless] not to mention my real father trying to give a shit after 20 years of ignorance, my mother who's life is breaking apart and she needs psychological and sociological help herself, but as I said before, denies it with all her might, not to mention the fact that my brother throws shit at her, because he is terribly spoiled and no matter how many times I lectured my mom she should change her methods concerning him she of course, denies it, leaving herself doing everything around the house without my brother helping her.

I think this is enough gut spilling for a while, it only looks this bad, it isn't, and as I said on the previous post- I must fight the challenges life gives me. I can only be one man to myself being supported with the people that love me, or decide who really cares about me and stick to them.
This is why sometimes I hate being alone.
Because when I was 15 with those thoughts, sitting friday nights alone without Boris because there was no public traffic to help us meet, writing my guts out using poetry and short stories, I could actually use my depression to create.
Somehow this changed and I have lost this ability. I have many hobbies but none of them is meant for draining grief. I suppose I should find one, but then again- I still don't think something's missing.


  1. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I was only diagnosed this year with depression, but I've been sad as long as I can remember. Going to the doctor and getting therapy is really helping. It's great that Boris is there for you. But please email me if you need to, I'm a great listener and you're a wonderful person.

    1. I guess I'm afraid to diagnose those things thinking I am "OK" when I could not be. I don't know if I even have money for those things, and I also think that i have enough power to fight this on my own, most of the time.

      Really? You can listen? And you won't mind if I'll send you an email? wow, this means a lot to me. if I'll be in the need I think I would actually do that.

    2. Seriously send me an email! Mine is deathlynightshade@hotmail.com