It is funny that for German people who live here, knowing you were born in country A, speak language B, moved to country C to speak language D only to move to country E is very strange.
It is often that I remember here that this is exactly what I have been through for all my life- moving around. I never lived in one land for too long to make it my homeland, I can't even tell what that means. I only lived for 15 years in Israel only to discover from almost the very beginning that I hate to live where my parents had brought me. I can't say it was a waste to live in Israel, because I only won by knowing another language that I like using, knowing myself and where I want to be, and for the best part- meeting my first love, and knowing that this would be the man I would spend my entire life with.
But I can't say I am not afraid that Germany won't serve me as a home more than as a stopping point. I really want to find a place where I would feel I can settle and know I can make a future in, but I know there would be a lot traveling ahead, and I am yet not expecting to find my "home" so easily. However, sometimes I feel sad for myself [luckily not as much as in the past] that I always have to move from one place to another and work hard to find a place like home. I think that among the other things in my life this is the most important one for me to do. I can sat I sometimes envy people who can live in one city for the rest of their lives having a patriotic and connected feeling with their country, without having the effort to find a special place for themselves. But I assume those people have problems of their own ;)
I think that what made strong the feeling of unfitting in my soul was all those migrations from one country to another when I was little. Not to mention that it was really hard for me to go to first class in Israel not only not knowing the language, but having no clue what school really was like, because I never attended kindergarten a lot hence I was sick for long periods when I was like 3-5 years old. I imagine that the school bullying that followed made everything worse, made me feel rejected and different. By the way, I didn't want to be different when I was a kid. I wanted to be just like everyone else in the class, without being bugged or called names. My mom always told me I was special and beautiful and made my hair pretty with ribbons and accessories, which would be stolen by other kids from the different schools I would attend each year, because in Israel we moved apartments frequently, and also because it was so uncool to wear huge accessories to your hair... Most kids don't want to be alternative or different, they ant to blend...
In addition to all this, I can also assume that when my brother was born, I was 8, and I realized that I will always live with him in the same room for the rest of my life. It was such a doomed feeling for me, I was angry at my parents more and more as I grew up for not having my private space, for never having it because they didn't have enough money to rent a bigger flat, and they never would have, nor they never understood how important it is for a growing up child to have his own room. When I was younger I literary saw this as the tragedy of my life and I hated everybody. This is something you could easily see as exaggerated feelings, but they only made me want one thing- get the hell out and far away from my parents' house. Something that I did achieve on my own by moving with Boris to an apartment when I was 19.
I won't get into details of my relationship with my family and the relationship of my mom and dad with one another, that is far too long and not as bad as I may portray it, nor my critique about them would be relevant here.
I am not trying to complain to you by writing it [I secretly am, but you don't mind I guess], I am only saying that by understanding the things that hurt you, you can know how you can repair the broken parts of your soul, or at least understand where all your negative feelings are coming from, and why are you acting or thinking this and that. For many many years I was feeling that everyone was against me, and I still kind of feel it in the relationship with my mother or other people. But it is very important to know your weaknesses and traumas, to know how to become a stronger person who will live in harmony with himself and the others. And more importantly- would be able to raise a family of his own in the future.
By the way, here's my new haircut.
Pardon the depressive note this post ends in, but there haven't been such thoughts in my life for some time now, and I was getting worried I was in denial or something or merely sweeping these memories and feelings under the rug. I had to nourish myself a bit by letting it out.
Maybe you also have feelings like those regarding home and family? I would love to hear about it and talk, to help you and me bring a smile on each other's face.
Have a good week everyone!
No comments:
Post a Comment