Things that made me happy in May

Should I do a monthly favorites post? This is a great opportunity to be grateful for stuff, also because this is not a YouTube channel and I can actually write about all none-material things and bash consumerism. I am getting highly political these days and I kind of like it.

The reason for this post is because another Frankie Teardrop-like month is behind me. Every week is so overwhelming I am again very close to a burnout, but at least the time is filled with productive and happy things as well, so not all is bad, but is highly contributing to my lack of time.

So here is my gratitude for the following things which made time a bit better:

• Mom coming to visit!

For the first time since the 2 years of us living in Berlin, my mother came to visit me!! I did see her with dad and my brother in September last year when we made a family trip to Uzbekistan, but with all the relatives around I had little opportunities to talk to her. My mom has always been my best friend and I´ve missed her terribly, missed our talks about life and I wanted to show her Berlin so badly, to show her why I love the city, what is Berlin for me.
She came only for a weekend but we have accomplished so much! We walked the city, went to a punk festival (she liked everything about it and photographed like crazy!), ate a lot and had very nice conversations about things we´ve never talked before. I could talk to her about polyamory, bisexuality, having children and so many other things. I am so happy and grateful for having such an amazing mom. 

• Reading The Hobbit for the first time

The time has come for me to read The Lords Of The Rings, a long since set goal and I am ashamed for not reading it before (fantasy has never been my cup of tea so I have postponed it for the sake of more serious literature. I am kidding you realize). And what better start than The Hobbit?

I must say this is the most brittish book I have ever read. I read Dickens and even he wasn´t as brittish as this. Everything is so witty, coquettish and cute; the personalities of the characters, the way he describes things is deep and emotional but at the same time very minimal and lightheaded. Absolutely amazing, the little poems are a treat as well.

The book I took from the library is filled with these beautiful illustrations, aside from the map of that Tolkien land course.

Source

• Playing the bass

I will let you know on a secret- I have been practicing the bass since end of April, and it has been amazing! There are some stuff brewing, I cannot tell anything yet but it does help me enormously to get better, and that´s so exciting! I am leveling up basically every day (and wanting to play all day every day, which has been taking much of my free time, but like- yay!). Soon things will come, and I will devour them with great passions. I have been waiting to go back to music again after my baroque music days from high school, only this time it is waaay different.

• Visiting a cacti convention in the Berlin Botanic Gardens

I used to collect cacti in Israel, and they are not sold in every flower shop here in Berlin, so I was excited to go to this convention filled with fuzzy phallic plants. There were all sorts of them there, a lot for sale too.

There was this one Czech seller who we saw sold Meskalitos! Boris and I thought these were like super prohibited trippy cacti that only the shamans knew of. Turns out that no, you can buy one for like 3 euro, which we did! And the nice seller even gave us one for free, since we have told him we want to pollinate them and eat the seeds in a true Carlos Castaneda fashion (this is what you get for reading books about explorers doing drugs in Mexico deserts when you are a teenager). 

We have 2 Lophophoras now, need to take care of them and be patient. 

• Reading "Whipping Girl" by Julia Serano

One of the highlights of my month is reading this amazing book. This is one sharp take on the sexist views of our society written from the point of view of a transsexual woman (courtesy to Serano).

This book has made me rethink my life as a female born person, made me at last understand what feminism was all about, and made me rethink gender roles all over again (more than usually). Every fucking word in this book is set in stone, and I found Seranos perspectives and speculations so empowering and fascinating! 

This is basically feminism written in a respectable, scientific but very understandable fashion in a way it should have been done. A lot of the parts in the book were very close to my heart, like descriptions about finding yourself and staying true to who you really are, how one views other people´s identities, and basically realizing that gender is such a subjective thing. This is recommended to everyone, not just for people from the academia or with alternative gender expressions. This book calls for compassion and understanding more than anything, as well as realizing how cis-sexist our (western) culture really is, and what it is doing to us and the way we perceive our connection with other people under our noses.

I think the book has played a role in both mine and Boris´ life. He has began cross dressing a lot more frequently after reading it and getting into gender studies, and I have been embracing deep and so far slightly hidden things in me as well.

Source

• Seeing The Underground Youth live

I have been into this band for a while now, because of their 60s meets post punk meets shoegaze meets Velvet Underground (duh) vibe. So I went to see them alone, and this was one of the best gigs I´ve ever been to. I felt like being in some kind of film- the atmosphere was mysterious, the venue was new to me, kind of like a half ruined small building, and even though Berlin is filled with those this one was particularly, um- ruined! The support act (Jawbones) were amazing as well, and don´t get me started on the slowest moshpit I´ve ever taken part at, it was like being a sea week in a sea of sweaty hypnotized people, with the musicians jumping off the stage and moshing with us while playing. It was beautiful.

Though sounding rather soft on the recording, it was quite heavy on stage!

Wow, I did have a very versatile and active month! What has made your month brighter?

I wish a wonderful weekend to you all!

Maria Finsternis

Red DIY deathrock/ punk 77 jacket

The time has come!

I have promised this post too long ago, camera all good now.
Old jacket replaced with new, this is a size 40 blazer that I found on second hand for less than 5 euros. It was altered by a friend, but you can still see that the general shape is weird, and it looks big on me. But I don´t care, I like it.
I have remade the patches from the old jacket as well.

Pins include The Birthday Party, Lebanon Hanover, Some Wear Leather Some Wear Lace, Sex Pistols´ God Save The Queen, Jim Morrison, Ben Bloodygrave, The Wings Of Desire, BatNight SE.

I just love this color, this jacket transforms any outfit and is so far great for the warm days.

Do you have any DIY projects or summer wardrobe goals?

N. Finsternis

My Cymophobia

Life has been swelling me lately- university, work and homework, lack of sleep and general moodiness. Hope things will get better soon, my mood has been very bad lately (so as to even taking  a collection of short stories by HP Lovecraft from the library to match it).

But for the sake of keeping the blog alive and for lack of a more appropriate theme, I´ve decided to share my nightmare with you.

• Cymophobia is an abnormal fear of waves, sea swells, tides etc (source).

Strangely, I grew up in Haifa in Israel, which is located on the coast, and my childhood involved frequently going to the beach every summer, and I liked it all the time. I never swum too deep though, as not being able to touch the ground beneath you was very scary, but I think this is a fear all people share.

I have stopped going to the beach since my teenage years (tanning is ungoth, plus Israeli beaches are hell), but it was never because of fear from the sea or anything.

However, I have always had only 1 type of nightmares- it was the picture of me running away on the beach from a huge tsunami wave, running faster and faster but still staying in place. Sometimes it would be the vision of rain tapping on an open window, and I would try to close it but the water would increase, pouring inside the room like from a bucket! Those nightmares always leave me scared, not like waking up with cold sweat scared, but they have made me get anxious and nervous whenever looking at pictures like this:

I am not scared into walking on the beach (although I don´t remember the last time doing it, in my last years in Israel I have avoided it), nor swimming in pools or ponds. I guess it´s the infinity of the sea that scares me, and it´s ever changing moods.

For example, looking at nature documentaries involving camera crew diving below a glacier will make me shit myself. As well as tsunami documentaries (though I find interest in them and if concentrated, can overcome the fright). I guess it really depends on the visuals, for example this video is living nightmare for me:

I swear if I´d been there I would have ran screaming towards the highest building and stayed there for a few days.

I was also terrified of this scene from Artificial Intelligence, where the main characters fly across flooded Manhattan (starts at 1:24):

I also tend to get Trypophobia, though I get a similar to ASMR feeling from it, but I don´t like it to say the least,

Do you have any phobias? Hope my tide will diminish and I could rest from everyday life soon.

N. Finsternis