2 November 2014

I´m not a boy - Gender Questioning

Straying from the usual subculture-selfies-post punk related posts, I would like to share my little gender experience. This is a very personal matter to me, so I apologize in advance if I would (again) sound melodramatic or utterly confused, since often I am indeed confused when it comes to this.

The reason I chose to write about the matter here is because I love being frank about things and I
don´t believe in taboo topics. Maybe my experience will ring a bell to some, maybe you could give your opinion on gender matters as well and we could all learn(?).

I do fear however, that this might come up as a "trending topic", as if you are spending as much time on the internet as I am you might notice that it has become more than common to wonder about ones gender identity, to come out as this or that and deny all possible stereotypes, claiming that how some people portray themselves is very complicated.
It is true that I haven´t addressed this topic ever in my blog nor do I speak with people about it (only with my closest friends) but I have been dealing with some personal questions for a long time, and I would just like to share it here.

I love men.
I love men so much I love to watch them with other men.
I love men so much I wish to be one of them sometimes.
I love men so much I wish to be one of them to be with other men as a man myself.
I love men so much that being seen as a woman by them is sometimes not enough for me.
I love very particular, long haired, feminine, makeup wearing men.
I´m not attracted to women, but I love femininity.

I have been struggling with the above for a good amount of years now. My love for all things gay and homoerotic was and is something I cannot explain.
This issue has 2 sides which are the main reason for my problem:
  1. I love wearing makeup and dressing like a woman, I love having long hair and I love my feminine body. I was raised to love it and I would never in the world change it, not with hormones or surgery! I love the way I look more and more as I grow up. I do not feel that I was born in the wrong body.
  2. Yet sometimes something in me doesn´t fit. The average young woman would sometimes think "I wish I could look like that" while looking at other young women on the street. My mind has the same thoughts whenever I look at other young men on the street! I literally caught myself on this thought so many times by now. I envy how other men look and I wish to look like them.
These 2 extremes are the source of my dilemma. If I don´t want to physically become a male, what´s my deal then!?
Exhausting Boris with this talk and wishing to actually do something to know for sure rather than wondering "what if", I´ve decided to do a little experiment. On the last The Wings Of Desire concert I dressed like a man, and even did my makeup differently:

What a disappointing experiment it was. Look at me- I am nowhere near looking like a man. This is the closest of going without makeup as I can get, and even without any I would look worse than this. My round face is too feminine, and my face features (especially my eyes) are the complete opposite of what I would like them to be.
I was very discouraged after appearing in public like this, when I finally understood what was my problem.

I am not a man, not in this body at least. This body is dedicated to something else, and it is not where I will find the solution.
It is my mind.
I am a man on some days, especially on paper, when I write about things, be it this blog or fiction, into which I pour a lot of my gender questioning. I am a man in my mind, and in my mind I know that if I would posses the body of a man, I would be looking completely different. I would be a lot taller, thinner and I would even be of a different race.

Having a penis and growing a beard would not solve my problem. In fact, I don´t even like masculine features that much, and I am positive that if I would have been born a man I would have been very feminine.
This is a stupid cycle I am going through every once in a while. I am blessed to have a partner like Boris who more than understands this, yet sometimes I do not really know how to express the feeling of being a man in my mind. Being called a different name even with masculine pronouns didn´t work either. I felt awkward and not like myself.

That´s why I have put the issue aside for now. Sometimes a lovely thought comes to me, that I am not less of a man when I am wearing a skirt and makeup. I do not wish that society will see me as a man, I am more than comfortable staying as a woman, since I know that my appearance has nothing to do with my gender identity.
I don´t know if this is common or not, but I do think that most people who´s gender identity is opposite than their sex will have the need to change their appearance according with their gender. It´s not my case, far from it. I sometimes feel that "being a man" is a sexual stimuli, it´s something connected with eroticism in my head, as I have been writing homoerotic short stories for a couple of years now, and it is the only way where I can dive into that masculine place in my mind, and dare I say- play out the scenario of what could have happened to me as a man in this world.

I am ending the topic on a positive note. I´ve run experiments to find a solution to my problem, and found out more about myself. I cannot identify as girlfag or queer or what have you... I´ve read a lot on the subject and no category seems to fit me, even so that the more specific I go into those categories the more confused I feel.
But little things seem to make me feel in place, for example like writing and being honest with myself. Talking to Boris has been a huge help as well.
Funny though, that unlike everything else I have tried, finding my "man name" was really easy, and it is one of the things I identify with the most. It makes me happy to know it, even if no one addresses me with it. None should, since I am a man on paper. The closest to describing it would probably be like having an alter ego, or when a writer is using a pseudo name.

So is this a coming out post? Maybe, maybe not. I just wanted to share an aspect of my personality, and it makes me feel relieved to share this with the world. I am not ashamed of it.
If you have any advice or thoughts on the matter please share them! It could be nice to hear a different perspective, regardless if you emphasize with the subject or not.

Alexander F.


  1. I'm exactly the same way. I cross-dress too. All my friends are guys and I do guy things, but I do girl things too. I feel like people who subscribe themselves 100% to gender stereotypes are just lying to themselves. Everyone's got a mix of both sexes (literally and figuratively). I try not to overthink these things.

    1. Exactly. Overthinking about it can´t be good too, but I love the fact that everyone is male and female combined.

  2. The one thing that I don't like about transgender is that it's all about physical appearance and striving for acceptance as the opposite sex by society. People will do hormone therapy, change their names, and wear fake penises in an attempt to be perceived as male, but does it *really* make them male? So long as they themselves think they're male, why do they care about what others think? I don't think they require all that junk and those procedures.

    To me, masculine and feminine are just concepts. There are femmy boys and butch girls, just as there are girly girls and manly men. I personally feel there is no perfect male or female concept, you are what you are. You don't need to grow a beard and wear a penis to feel the way you want, and you certainly don't need society to say it's okay. It seems that you're attracted to something you define as "masculine". I think you need to meditate on that word and figure out what exactly it means to you, because in reality there really isn't a clear cut definition of masculinity. If you don't want to look like a boy and you're not comfortable being addressed as a boy, then maybe it's just role playing, maybe it is just eroticism and an outlet.

    I cross dressed for the greater part of my childhood. I would dress as a boy, try to talk like one, and attempt to convince people I was one as a trick. It never meant I wanted to be a boy, I just liked aspects of what my culture thinks is masculine. I still feel "manly" at times, mostly because I don't like children and I hate people projecting their feminine ideals onto me; like how I should be a mother because I have a vagina and apparently it's expected of me. Instead, in a few weeks, I will be happily sterile! I'm female in my medical documents and my anatomy, but in my head, I'm just me. I think that's what we should all strive for is to accept oneself, regardless of what your medical documents and the masses may define you as.

    1. I agree with every word. It is hard not to think like society wants us to think, and maybe gender identity questions arise because we are "forced" to think of ourselves in a certain way in the first place.
      I agree that every gender identity is a concept, yet I felt that for some people it was a question of life or death, Some people might see the usage of pronouns as a key for their acceptance in society, some don´t feel the need to be accepted at all and just don´t give a damn.
      I am in a way glad that in our modern times, at least in the most part of the western world it is okay to wonder on this subject, which is how one starts the journey of self realization.

  3. Amazing makeup, love your style <3 start following :)

  4. I agree with the comment made by 1666 X 30 above. I enjoy being feminine in my appearance, but I sometimes feel very constricted by gender stereotypes and I feel my life would have been easier if I were born a man. For example, because I am married, many people look down upon me because I don't have or want children. I don't want them because doing so could affect my job, freedom, and earning potential. People think this is selfish. However, if I was a man, no one would care or question me for feeling that way. No one asks my husband why he doesn't have children. At work, I have even had men ask me why I am still working if I am married (shouldn't I be at home with the children?) and this insults me to no end. If a woman wants to do this, fine. However, not all women want to do this and there is nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with a man wanting to stay at home with children. I think society needs to let go of stringent gender stereotypes and realize that it is not "manly" or "womanly" to do anything in particular; we are all individuals and we all have a unique set of interests that should not be constrained by what gender we were born.

    1. I totally agree. I think that we have our freedom when it comes to our bodies, especially. I confess that what you are saying about people expecting you to have children is very new to me, I am surprised people are so narrow minded. Having children is far from everyone´s goal in life.