Sometimes I hang out and everything is ok and I am not troubled by anything, but then something snaps and I look around me and think - who are these people? What do I have in common with them? What are we even talking about here?!

The following rant is a result of a couple of months filled with interactions with certain people (all from the goth scene, if it makes a difference) that have left me confused and/or with a negative feeling. It's not like something awful happened, but little by little my patience for certain behavior was filled up until it exploded this weekend into a heavy feeling of loneliness and confusion.


Maybe it's me - maybe I have an issue with communicating with the world. Maybe I expect too much. When I was in my late teens I have promised myself to never build any expectations for people in order to not get disappointed, and here I am breaking that promise. I am most disappointed. I feel lonely. I feel like nobody cares about me. I feel that if I will disappear from this earth - and by that I mean disappear from Facebook, from attending weekend goth parties and other subculture related events - no one would even notice. No one would care. Except for Boris and 3 friends, no one would.

Because the issue that I have does not concern my friends. This is not about them at all. The issues is concerned with people I see on a regular basis - people with whom I have more than 1 thing in common. People with whom I have the potential of chatting at a party, just sitting around talking about stuff. Just nice people to have around, for the most time.

So what's the issue? Nobody asks me how I am.
This is honestly so pathetic and sad that a grown ass person needs to write how lonely she is because nobody asks her "how are you?". But it's true. Whenever I meet acquaintances and we enjoy a simple talk - I always ask how they are, but nobody asks how I am doing. Nobody asks how my studies are going, how's my work, how's my band search (which has not beared fruit, to say the least).
I always ask how they are - how's the job hunt, how's work, how's the music going....
A little small talk can go a long way. Just a simple "how are you" can open a huge window to a conversation. I am the last person to talk about myself and complain in front of people, but sometimes I just want to share what has been on my mind that week. But no one actually cares.

It has happened with people that are more than just "that random familiar person you see at parties". These are people I say hello to every single weekend; actively follow them on Facebook where we exchange in some kind of interaction....
Not to mention the people I meet even more often. I might not consider them my friends but all they talk about is themselves.

It frightens me to know how many grown up people are lonely out there just because no one has smiled towards them. No one told them they're pretty. No one said that it's going to be ok.
I'm not talking about helping each other move house or engage in hours of long post-breakeup pillow talk. It's the little things we say to each other that count. Looks like I've been trying too hard being nice to everyone that it got me so lonely in the process.

Turns out no one cares. I might as well not ask you how you are. Fuck you. I've realized I have zero chill for people I have nothing in common with. I don't need to be nice to everyone, it's a quality that gets me far but can also shoot me in the leg. I don't need to waste my energy on people who don't care.
But when I try to give attention and communicate with people that I do care about and consider them somewhat as friends, even if not close friends - I get nothing in return. What's wrong with a friendly conversation? It's not just being polite. I feel like just asking how you are can go such a long way...


Boris has been comforting me through this for the last 48 hours but I just felt like sharing this here. I feel so embarrassed writing a classic teenage blog post but honestly I feel so mad at the world that I don't know how else I should describe things.
The only thing I can do is hang on to my real friends and reach out to them when I have a problem, especially a mental one. Just like I am trying to help them when something of the sort happens.

I am walking with a constant feeling of heaviness and I don't want to do anything besides just lying down. In a "scene" with so much unifying potential even a mere "how are you" is a stretch. Even in a conversation that comes to a halt, where it's only basic and natural of the other person to ask me how I am... Nothing - silence.

Ground Control to Major Tom - Tripping Space Cakes on a Plane!

So the story about my mom forgetting her ring at the air bnb in Amsterdam? Yesterday I embarked on a journey for the ring, a trip that lasted less than a day where I spent exactly an hour in the city itself.
Somewhere on the plane ride there I came up with a brilliant idea - I should eat a space cake before the flight back and, well - go to space! I was also hoping to make it to a cheese store and at least bring back home some of the delicious cheese. But sadly, all the shops have closed when I arrived in town.
But not the coffee shops ;)

Before I begin with the story, here's a disclaimer:

I have been avoiding writing about my psychedelic adventures but honestly, I don't care how you chose to live your life and I really don't care how this story comes off. These kind of things are more fun when you remember them and share them later.

Needless to say you should consume anything responsibly and mindfully, be it alcohol, drugs, chocolate or shopping for clothes.

I also don't wish to offend anyone with this post or make you concerned about me. I am ok, and I apologize if this kind of information makes you uncomfortable.

Anyway...

After successfully retrieving mom's ring I bought 1 cake for myself with the idea of eating it right before the security check, thus having the full effect last for the majority of the flight. I went out of the shop and suddenly realized that since I didn't make it to the cheese store, I had nothing to bring back for Boris. I went back to the coffee shop and asked the nice girl if it was safe to take the cake on the plane with me. She said she had done it once and suggested to cut the lable of the cake off where you could clearly see what kind of cake it was.

We did that, and back to the airport I went.

I was very familiar with the boarding process at the Amsterdam airport. It's pretty small to begin with and I knew where my gate would be, so all in all I was in a familiar situation where I knew where to go and how to act.

However, after eating my cake very secretly in the bathroom stall I began to get majorly nervous about the other cake in my bag. What if the scanning machine would somehow detect it?! I would be handcuffed and thrown out of Europe forever!! But in reality, I had so much food in my backpack and the cake was no exception, so what different would it make?

And so I went through security and no one even blinked to my direction. Easy peasy. (lol no guarantee you can smuggle drugs on Easy Jet flight, ok?)

There was a 40 min. waiting time before the plane, so I had something to eat and checked social media. After something like half an hour I suddenly raised my head from my phone with the realization that my lips and hands are numb and the sounds around me began to be more distinct. Do not panic, I told myself and proceeded to walk around the waiting area and into a very long corridor where the gates were. This was the kind of airport corridor with moving floor panels (not sure how you call them) and you can guess what happened next! The full effect was going strong!

I really love moving when I'm on psychedelics, so I would usually walk for a very long time or try to climb and interact with my surroundings in different ways. I also like listening to music, but that I knew would come later in the plane. Meanwhile I was walking up and down the moving floor panels imagining I was floating. When you're in that stage, imagining anything is a lot of fun.

All this time I knew there was still like 20 min left before we are allowed on the plane, and my gate hasn't been opened yet. I frequently checked the departure board to see if there was info on my gate.

When on psychedelics, my biggest fear is to lose control completely and not know where I am or what to do. Thankfully, since I was alone I trusted myself more and was more alert than ever. As mentioned, I was in a familiar place and there wasn't any stressful airport happenings around. Moreover, this is not my first or second time on space cakes so I knew how my body and perception reacted to it. I suppose this would have been horrific for a first time....

Things began to escalate when I sat in the plane. Time distorts so much that you think a minute is an hour long. So before we actually took off I had the feeling I've been sitting in the plane forever.

I've used the time to listen to music. I didn't have any 70s prog on my ipod but I did have Stoned Jesus' Seven Thunders Roar album, which features a lot of instrumental parts.

The thing about music in this state for me is that I don't need much to have an "experience" - just the simplest minimalistic music can get you in a completely different world!

I remember thinking "so this is how Stoned Jesus actually sound like!". Oh my, the ideas that come to me while listening to music whilst being high....

It really felt like going up in a spaceship when the plane departed. Space perception was pretty distorted by then, especially with the plane constantly vibrating around me, that I didn't even feel my feet. I felt like I was sitting with my legs facing up like in a movie spaceship!

I personally love flying and experience flights very easily, so if someone out there is terrified or gets nauseous this might not be the best idea hehe.....

I did have trouble closing my eyes through the first moments in the air since I got dizzy having vertigo not knowing where was up or down. Luckily that feeling passed.

The best part about the flight though was the flight attendants. I tried not to look at anybody fearing to act strange and cause discomfort, but I almost lost it when the flight attendant spoke in the microphone. What sounded like instructions in German at first transformed into a mashup of latino male names and then just plain gibberish! Listening to any kind of speech and trying to make sense of it is crazy fun. I made a mental note to listen to the radio next time I'm up for an "adventure". Every time the flight attendant spoke it was the same thing - Leonardo, Maurizio, Fernando!

The flight was only an hour and a half, which is enough for when you're tripping. Towards the end of the flight I began to feel the effect wearing off, thankful for it as I would have to exist a crowded Berlin airport and find public transport at nighttime. 

I was dead tired from the entire journey when I came home, but when I told Boris about it he completely flipped, and said he wouldn't have risked it himself. Now he's very excited to eat his own cake when the right day comes.

All I know is that this is a hell of a story to tell my grand kids! I was even surprised how adventurous I am when being alone. I would have never done this with Boris by my side because I would've been too worried about him. 

The greatest lesson that I learned from this journey is that I can actually trust myself and maintain control in a situation that could have went horribly wrong. The decision to get high on a plane was my own and I didn't let my head go to wild, uncontrollable places which it might have been. I was confident and calm, and for an otherwise pretty anxious and nervous person - this is an achievement!

I would love to disconnect from my fear of losing control and go into deeper, more spiritual "adventures".

Meanwhile, I woke up the next day to work as usual and boy was I fucked up.....

Maria

Updates & Thoughts - Space Cakes in Amsterdam & Blog Changes

I haven't been here in a while. Thought I should update you guys on recent events, as well as a few thoughts regarding this blog. I know, again. Stop me if you've heard this one before...

1. I've been working, a ton. My student visa allows me to work 20 hours/week max, but during semester vacation I am allowed to work full time - an opportunity that was even encouraged by my boss. I say even since my work is very chill and flexible. I love my job - I sit in front of an Excel table all day doing copy-past work, with super nice colleagues, my headphones plugged into the computer with The Smiths on YouTube on repeat and a coffee machine that makes milk foam. I love my job. I can also pretty much come and go when I please, as long as I make the mandatory 20h mark. I fucking love my job and I have been making some nice money.
Going out on the weekend has never felt so satisfying. There's just something about working and getting paid and partying on the weekend with no worries; with the fact that you have a nice place to come back to on Monday and that you can respectfully work in a foreign language - a situation that 3 years ago seemed overwhelming.
Don't worry, I haven't gone crazy - I'm not a huge fan of the 9-5, but finding a chill job was my goal since Autumn last year and since January this year it has finally happened.
I'm just in a really good and comfortable place right now and I am grateful for it.


2. I have been to Amsterdam last weekend. I have been to the city last Autumn and it was ok, I didn't fall in love with it or anything. This trip was far better, we did a bunch of things and I've grown to connect with the city a lot more.

My mother turned 50 in March and arranged a few days' trip for herself, my dad and another couple from the family who they're good friends with. One thing let to another and my mom suggested me to join in as well, Amsterdam being in arm's reach from Berlin. I was so excited for the trip that I accidentally booked the ticket 1 day too early. So I got to spend 1 night at a friend's place and hang out, which was cool.
This, however, is just the tip of the iceberg of the trip, since:

1. We had space cakes with my entire family (and my under aged brother, god help us all) and it was dope. I am so proud of myself that whilst being incredibly high, I managed to guide my family through the impossible crowds of the city center back to our Air Bnb at night. Using Google Maps, obviously. And I didn't get lost once! I still can't believe I took drugs with my family. 
2. My brother went on a date with a bartender who casually gave him her number after he asked!! It turned out she was 24 (my bro is 17) and had a kid and a boyfriend. God help us all #2. One thing for sure though - my brother's a savage!
3. My family stayed in Amsterdam for 3 more days after I left, and the day before the flight back they have decided to visit a coffee shop one last time (my brother wasn't there). After smoking for a while they got up to leave, which resulted in my dad fainting right there in the middle of the coffee shop. The workers helped him up and sat him outside, and made him drink sweet water. Turns out this can happen due to low blood sugar? Who knows, but it was enough for my father to get completely terrified and swear he will never smoke ever again. My mom was horrified too. God help us all #3.

There were beautiful buildings and clogs too, but that's not nearly as interesting.

The next story, however, is the heaviest bomb of them all and I still can't believe this has happened. Let's just say the Amsterdam adventure isn't over:

As mentioned, it was my mother's birthday and we all gave her presents, including a very expensive and fancy diamond ring which my dad gave her. After my parents got home my mom wrote me that SHE HAS FORGOTTEN THE RING AT THE AIR BNB.

Of all rings my mom could forget, it had to be this one. Before leaving and in the commotion of packing, my mom washed the dishes and took the ring off and left it by the sink, where it remained until the nice Air Bnb lady informed my mom what has happened. My mother only realized this at the security check at the airport, where you have to take all the metals off. Thinking that she should take off the ring since it would surely beep at the monitors, my mother was mortified to discover it wasn't on her hand. My poor mom cried and was completely in shock.

And since shipping something so valuable via post is way too risky, it's only logical for me to come back to Amsterdam and retrieve the ring.

Yesterday I have booked a flight which will take place in 2 weeks. The trip will literally take me less than a day (1.5 from Berlin to Amsterdam). My mom will have her precious ring back in May when we will be going to Israel.

Needless to say, this trip will be remembered in the family forever!!

3. On for something a bit more conventional. I have been looking to join a band as a singer. After a few unsuccessful attempts of looking for a band as a bassist, I have given the matter a lot of though and realized that not giving myself the chance to front a band will be something I will regret forever. And it will be painful when I do.

So currently I am looking for a band or people. I want to sing everything dark, post punk-ish, grungy and wild. The louder and darker the better. Keep your fingers crossed for me, since finding people for a band in Berlin is one of those "big city problems" they don't tell you about. You would think that of all places, here it would be the easiest. Well, let me tell you....

4. Lastly, I wanted to address my thoughts regarding blogging. I know that I wrote on the changing media of blogging and self expression in December -  a recurring thought in the "classic" blogging community. I thought about how there are less people writing blogs these days and how many transform to youtubers or use Instagram to "show and tell" their outfits, makeup etc.

The truth is, this is exactly the kind of change I am experiencing myself. I am using my phone non stop - snapping pictures of my makeup, hair and outfits and uploading them to Instagram has been one of my favorite things to do. It's fast and easy. The only problem being that this kind of medium focuses more on the "show" than the "tell". And I love expressing myself with writing and having the option to discuss things with you guys in the comments.

So after some thought I've decided that I would like to make this blog a more personal space - a medium where I can write about my thoughts, feelings, my fears and emotions.... it's the very "classic" type of blogging that I have been missing; where pictures don't play a huge role, Or when they do - they're scarce.

I want to share personal things, to be more reflective of myself and think more, discuss and question. I guess Instagram is just fitting for overload vanity and attention - a thing I can never have too little of.

Yet expressing yourself with words has always been the very core of blogging for me, and I have the feeling I've been avoiding that for the sake of entertaining content or what not.

I realize that reading huge blocks of text is sooo 2009, where the write would complain about their day and write angsty posts about self doubt and the meaning of their bullshit life. But this is perhaps the essence of blogging for me. Guess I'm still a 17 year old deep down hehe.

So I guess you can expect some changes happening here... maybe the layout looking a bit different, maybe some introspective posts coming along. I will still write about the things I love, which are my favorite bands, my past and where I come from and my adventures in Europe. But maybe with a more personal twist.

My Instagram will be there for my face, my poses and clothes and my uber trad goth aspirations. I apologize if some of you are not on Instagram and won't be able to follow me there. I will probably post a picture from time to time here as well. Who knows, maybe Instagram will grow irrelevant in a few years. You never know!

What do you think? Anything on your mind regarding blogging lately? Are you planing on traveling this year?

I'll be going to Copenhagen in 2 weeks btw. Can't wait!

Maria