1 September 2013

Emotional September + LGBT Demo. pics + Emo Rants

Yesterday's demonstration was an amazing experience. I had lots of fun, watching all the colorful people, holding signs that were so sharply stating their point of view against homophobia has really touched my heart. Walking by these people made me feel like I am doing something right that will bring a change. It was a pleasure to see other straights couples out there and a few goths as well. We marched with the thousands of people through the whole city and finished at the Russian embassy, where the demonstration continued with music and speeches being made on stage, but at that point me and Boris left because we were tired.

Here are a few pics. It was a great event and I hope it will get recognition in the press out there, not only in Germany.

It was really touching to see old people as well.
Backcombed hair survived the rain. I still can't believe that!

I'll make a "demonstration outfit post" a bit later.

The most annoying part after I've posted the pictures on facebook was to get a PM from a person who is in my friends list but with whom I spoke only once in my life, asking if I was gay and if so what about Boris. I was so pissed about such rudeness, not to mention sticking your nose into matters which not only don't concern you, but having no clue about why I was in a sea of rainbow flags in the first place. Stupid people.

Which leads us to this emotional rant: overall I'm a bit down lately. Everything that has to do with people makes me uncomfortable and annoyed, especially things considering my family. I feel very unattached, and although I do miss my family and my mother, I know I cannot have a real connection with her because of a lot of different things. I have Boris to cheer me up of course, but having to talk with my mother in skype makes me uneasy and has no point at all.
Every now and then I have them "mother relationship depressions" that I can't seem to get over. I has been going on like this for almost 2 years, and it seems that each time I am surprised by how my mother can never be honest with me nor put her words on the table and talks about serious things. I also hate when she talks as if in denial about a lot of matters, and in general doesn't let me be honest with her as well. The stupidest thing is that when I tell her about my happenings in our conversations, she seems as if she drifts off and doesn't listen, making me feel that whatever I am going through isn't important. Trying to mention this to her has no point whatsoever. She will play denial, get hurt, and the cycle would repeat itself making no progress in our "relationship". I am also trying to figure out a way to cut off the contact that my biological father [who hasn't been a part of my life since my mom divorced him when I was 3 years old but a few years ago jumped into my life via Facebook pretending like having a connection with me] is forcing upon me. He is not a bad man but rather a naive one, who wishes to believe that his sudden re-appearance into my life not only makes a difference in his, but also has a great contribution in mine. The problem is he's not only has absolutely  no clue about the person I am, but also acts as if he does. Trying to explain that to him makes no sense, he is a person that doesn't get a message even if it has been repeated a thousand times.
For the record, my real father, with whom my mother is married ever since I was 3 years old has been the one and only father figure I've had. However, we have a very poor connection, and I've always believed to have only a mother, instead of 2 people who happen to be in the role of father, but be absolutely indifferent in my life.

So much for family awkwardness and rants. Sorry for dropping this weight here, I believe it makes little sense to write emotionally charged posts here, I don't want this blog to become an average well of suffering [I've already had that thing back when I was in my teens] and I also like things to be informative and theme-related. I guess I just had to share this one, maybe I WILL make those emo. posts after all. No harm done, you'll understand, right?
Happy September everyone.

N. Finsternis


  1. great post!! your hair looks amaaazing!


  2. Yeah, I had the same thing happen with my mom and dad (also divorced when I was 3, my dad also out of the picture...until my late teens). My mom was usually too busy to care about my day-to-day issues and even when I moved out and lived on my own and she retired, it seems she's mostly bored of the things I talk about. I mostly just talk to her about the things she talks about so she wouldn't shrug me off. I kind of realized that she's got her own life and own interests and even though she's bored of the things I talk about, doesn't mean she doesn't love me. My dad tried to reconnect, and even though he was a bad father, I just forgave him. He was pushing 70 when he thought "I'm going to die and my daughters won't care because they dont' love me" and tried to reconnect. At first we were like "too little, too late" but then keeping up the vengeful attitude and reliving the pain just became too much hard work for me. It was just easier to forgive and move on. no regrets, there. He gave me the job interview advice that got me the job and, well, he's not so bad. I think everyone's relationships with their parents change.

    1. That's true. Well it has been some days after the post and I've talked to my mother a bit, and a friend had advised that my mother might need me even more than I need her, which turned out to be true. I have come to the understanding that relationships with parents do change, and as you said, sometimes it's better to forgive. I have trouble bending my pride sometimes and just being kind to people, but later I've understood that I do have something really precious with the relationship with my mother that tops everything else. Thanks for commenting anyway :)

  3. Reading this made me feel really sad. You are so wonderful and creative, and if your family is too blind to see it, that's pathetic.
    It sounds cliche' but a lot of what you have mentioned reflects things that I struggle with as well as far as family.
    I was raised mostly by my grandmother (the German side of my family).
    My mother and I do not talk much anymore after I have "come out" to her. Like you have said, she drifts off; doesn't listen. Conversations have to be about stupid things like movies, my cats, etc. If the conversations gets "serious," or I meantion "queer" things, she suddenly "has to go." She has never truly been there for me. So, my biological mother has always felt like an aunt to me, while my grandmother was moreso my mother. Though living with her was really difficult as she was strict Bavarian Catholic. My biological father dropped out of my life when I was 11.
    I don't want to turn this into a topic about myself, but I just wanted to say, I can understand some of the emotions you are going through. I think it's perfectly natural to want a family's moral support. It saddens me and makes me jealous where I work, when I see a person struggling with being different, and their parents bring them in to get help. That is a support I know I will never have. And as silly as it sounds, that hurts at times.

    I hope you feel better. Don't stop being who you are!

    1. Oh this touched me so much. I mean in a positive way, and that someone out there feels the same sadness as I do. People are happy in different ways, but they're all sad at the same way.

      But to leave the sadness for a moment, I do feel better after talking to my mom and realizing that I do have a very special connection to her, and she has a very special with me and with no one else.
      I'm sorry to hear about your family, sometimes not every person that's close to us can understand who we are and why we are that. But what I realized from this whole story mentioned above is that although I can't admit it to myself, there are certain things that my parents did that I am grateful for. Again, not to be cliche, but sometimes I think that even the worst things helped me, also when it comes to family matters. I think that your connection with your grandmother means a lot to you and it is something that should be cherished. Even if the relationship with your mother feels disconnected, you can be grateful for some things, and maybe she'll see a part of herself in you. You are both like a lesson to each other.

      I hug you back with much love :)