The Darkling Tag

I haven't been around here in a while. I wanted to write more personal stuff and there were many things holding me back. Wanting to go back to the classic emo-blogging suddenly looks like a heavy emotional burden.
Natalie tagged me in this one so I thought - here's a fun way to start blogging again. Questions provided by Graveyard Kittens.

I tag Ra and The Mutant Stomp Friends.


1. What is your favourite candle scent? 
Don't have one. I'm an incense person.

2. Do you have a favourite book?
My all time favorite book is The Shadow of the Wind by Calos Ruiz Zafon. Very goth, very coming of age, very Barcelona *starts crying*.

3. Are you a tea or coffee person?
At work - coffee. At home - tea.

4. What is your favourite perfume/cologne?
The one Boris' mom gave me (aka the free perfume).

5. Do you have a celebrity crush?
Harry Treadaway, Ariana Grande and the one and only - Eva Green.

6. If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be?
I would rather not come back to that, thanks.

7. What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad?
Install air conditioning (ehm Germany!)

8. What song always makes you happy (doesn't have to be a goth band?)
Get this israeli gem - a new wave, yiddish inspired reggae song by the israeli singer songwriter Ehud Banai. It's called Yiddishe Rastaman. Give it a listen, it's priceless.

9. Are you active in the arts (eg. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)?
Played classical music in the past, now I'm still looking to join a band as a singer.

10. What is your number one non-gothy hobby? 
Listening to non-gothy music.

Thought Provokers:

If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be and why?
I'll be boring - a vampire. I want to see how humanity changes over time.

What horror monster-bases super power would you have?
Ugh - drinking blood I guess?

Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or irl)? Why or why not? 
It really depends on what you interact with these people about. When it comes to music - I feel highly uncomfortable because you get judged on your tastes to no end, even from the people you least expect it.
I love interacting with irl goths about online goths and vice versa lol.

Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture?
More post punk, less minimal synth. Don't let me get fucking starting on the lack of guitar music and presence of mediocre and repetitive electronic music!
Being open minded about other people's taste in music would also be a good start.

Care to share an embarrassing story related to your "darkliness"?
Being such a late bloomer when it comes to style. That was pretty fucking embarrassing. I do not regret it though.

How are you at DIY?
I can pull of the basic clothes and jewelry diy.


Confessional (aka True or False):

I love watching cheese romance films.
False. I usually can't stand them. I love watching cheesy fantasy movies though hehe.

I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night.
YES and YES! Sleeping with your makeup is the worst thing you can do to your face. Don't do it.

I sleep with plushies.
You bet - I have a hedgehog, a cat and furry goat plushie. And you'll flip when you'll see our armadillo plushie! Boris and I loved toys in bed.

I wear non-black pyjamas most nights.
False. I sleep naked, or with a black tank top.

I think Andrew Eldrich is overrated.
Yup. I don't need to tell you how much I hate him and his Sisters of Mercy band.

I don't like vampires.
False.

I don't like clubs.
False.

I don't enjoy graveyards. 
I do, but I would never make a gothy photoshoot in one, out of respect.

Blood makes me queasy.
Not always - if I know how to stop it and the source of it, I'm usually ok with it. I still don't enjoy looking at it and the thought of blood connecting to physical pain is what terrifies me most.

I'd sooner faint than pet a spider.
Nah, they're ok.

I don't like haunted houses.
False - yet I am too scared to go into them most of the time.

I've never read Dracula.
lol true. So embarrassed...

I think "Bela Lugosi's Dead" is a long and boring song.
Fucking false! Only one of the best example of post punk combined with dub.

Maria

Meeting my biological father for the first time after 23 years

My mom divorced my biological father when I was 3 years old and married my "step dad". I mentioned numerous times that I hate calling the latter my "step dad" since he's the only father I've ever had and even though we look nothing alike and are different people - I couldn't imagine a different father. I will use these terms just for the sake of this post.

My mom has been in contact with my biological father through social media in the past few years. Aside from that and a few old photographs he has never been present in my life. It was fine, I wasn't mad at him or anything, and my mom never spoke ill of him. He is a trumpet player, he's a very intellectual kind of person and he's been living in Spain with his other wife and son for a while. All this was known to me for many years.

Things changed a few years ago when he got into an awful car accident and spent a month in a coma. His health got worse, he could hardly play. But then he started writing me on Facebook, which was a turn of events I didn't expect. Aside form me having zero emotion for him, his communication was difficult due to the accident he's been through. Sometimes his messages made no sense and I would tell mom about it and how I don't get what he wants of me. But when people are hit with their own mortality you know god damn well what they want.

Coincidentally my biological father planned on visiting Berlin for the march of 9th of May, victory day. Also coincidentally - Boris and I planned on flying to Israel that very day. I told him that if he'd come a day earlier we would meet. And so he did.

It wasn't all that strange to meet him. He was very emotional, excited. I was nervous too, yet I had no expectations. I was curious if I could find something hidden about myself that I would notice through this person. Through a person that is related to me by blood.

We had lunch, he talked about his achievements as older people usually do. I respect him a lot for starting life from scratch in Spain, from making music on the streets to having his own ensemble of musicians. The conversation went on and my thoughts brought on the realization that our mannerisms are totally different. More so - our way of identifying and presenting ourselves is very different.

It's not like my heart was opened to a different place or anything. It was nice to see him, I'm happy it happened now and not before.

Yet I couldn't help but to be glad that my life has turned out the way it is: that this man was indeed not present in my life. I was so glad I did not have a very deep connection with my "step dad" when I was a kid and teenager. I was glad that we fought and that I thought he didn't understand me. I was glad that I felt misplaced and felt that the presence of an intellectual father figure was constantly missing, and instead there was a different one.

Because this was what drove me to become who I am. This has made me come across different types of people from a different social background, and to learn to love them, accept and respect them.

The dad I've had since the age of 3 is exactly the person I should have had, and meeting my biological dad today has made me miss my real dad even more.

Because things are just fine the way they are, especially seeing the connection my brother has with my "step dad" makes me see him from a different point of view. It's his biological father after all and I have learned so much from that and wouldn't ever want anyone else in that place.

So the meeting was nice overall, and my biological father cares for me more than I thought and wishes me only the best, and that's a very comforting things to know. I guess this was a kind of closure in a way, and maybe I am even more confident in who I am thanks to my biography which - whilst being a child and teenager - I had a huge difficulty explaining to myself.

Tomorrow Boris and I are going to Israel for 2 weeks and I can't wait to see my family.

Maria

Sometimes I hang out and everything is ok and I am not troubled by anything, but then something snaps and I look around me and think - who are these people? What do I have in common with them? What are we even talking about here?!

The following rant is a result of a couple of months filled with interactions with certain people (all from the goth scene, if it makes a difference) that have left me confused and/or with a negative feeling. It's not like something awful happened, but little by little my patience for certain behavior was filled up until it exploded this weekend into a heavy feeling of loneliness and confusion.


Maybe it's me - maybe I have an issue with communicating with the world. Maybe I expect too much. When I was in my late teens I have promised myself to never build any expectations for people in order to not get disappointed, and here I am breaking that promise. I am most disappointed. I feel lonely. I feel like nobody cares about me. I feel that if I will disappear from this earth - and by that I mean disappear from Facebook, from attending weekend goth parties and other subculture related events - no one would even notice. No one would care. Except for Boris and 3 friends, no one would.

Because the issue that I have does not concern my friends. This is not about them at all. The issues is concerned with people I see on a regular basis - people with whom I have more than 1 thing in common. People with whom I have the potential of chatting at a party, just sitting around talking about stuff. Just nice people to have around, for the most time.

So what's the issue? Nobody asks me how I am.
This is honestly so pathetic and sad that a grown ass person needs to write how lonely she is because nobody asks her "how are you?". But it's true. Whenever I meet acquaintances and we enjoy a simple talk - I always ask how they are, but nobody asks how I am doing. Nobody asks how my studies are going, how's my work, how's my band search (which has not beared fruit, to say the least).
I always ask how they are - how's the job hunt, how's work, how's the music going....
A little small talk can go a long way. Just a simple "how are you" can open a huge window to a conversation. I am the last person to talk about myself and complain in front of people, but sometimes I just want to share what has been on my mind that week. But no one actually cares.

It has happened with people that are more than just "that random familiar person you see at parties". These are people I say hello to every single weekend; actively follow them on Facebook where we exchange in some kind of interaction....
Not to mention the people I meet even more often. I might not consider them my friends but all they talk about is themselves.

It frightens me to know how many grown up people are lonely out there just because no one has smiled towards them. No one told them they're pretty. No one said that it's going to be ok.
I'm not talking about helping each other move house or engage in hours of long post-breakeup pillow talk. It's the little things we say to each other that count. Looks like I've been trying too hard being nice to everyone that it got me so lonely in the process.

Turns out no one cares. I might as well not ask you how you are. Fuck you. I've realized I have zero chill for people I have nothing in common with. I don't need to be nice to everyone, it's a quality that gets me far but can also shoot me in the leg. I don't need to waste my energy on people who don't care.
But when I try to give attention and communicate with people that I do care about and consider them somewhat as friends, even if not close friends - I get nothing in return. What's wrong with a friendly conversation? It's not just being polite. I feel like just asking how you are can go such a long way...


Boris has been comforting me through this for the last 48 hours but I just felt like sharing this here. I feel so embarrassed writing a classic teenage blog post but honestly I feel so mad at the world that I don't know how else I should describe things.
The only thing I can do is hang on to my real friends and reach out to them when I have a problem, especially a mental one. Just like I am trying to help them when something of the sort happens.

I am walking with a constant feeling of heaviness and I don't want to do anything besides just lying down. In a "scene" with so much unifying potential even a mere "how are you" is a stretch. Even in a conversation that comes to a halt, where it's only basic and natural of the other person to ask me how I am... Nothing - silence.

Ground Control to Major Tom - Tripping Space Cakes on a Plane!

So the story about my mom forgetting her ring at the air bnb in Amsterdam? Yesterday I embarked on a journey for the ring, a trip that lasted less than a day where I spent exactly an hour in the city itself.
Somewhere on the plane ride there I came up with a brilliant idea - I should eat a space cake before the flight back and, well - go to space! I was also hoping to make it to a cheese store and at least bring back home some of the delicious cheese. But sadly, all the shops have closed when I arrived in town.
But not the coffee shops ;)

Before I begin with the story, here's a disclaimer:

I have been avoiding writing about my psychedelic adventures but honestly, I don't care how you chose to live your life and I really don't care how this story comes off. These kind of things are more fun when you remember them and share them later.

Needless to say you should consume anything responsibly and mindfully, be it alcohol, drugs, chocolate or shopping for clothes.

I also don't wish to offend anyone with this post or make you concerned about me. I am ok, and I apologize if this kind of information makes you uncomfortable.

Anyway...

After successfully retrieving mom's ring I bought 1 cake for myself with the idea of eating it right before the security check, thus having the full effect last for the majority of the flight. I went out of the shop and suddenly realized that since I didn't make it to the cheese store, I had nothing to bring back for Boris. I went back to the coffee shop and asked the nice girl if it was safe to take the cake on the plane with me. She said she had done it once and suggested to cut the lable of the cake off where you could clearly see what kind of cake it was.

We did that, and back to the airport I went.

I was very familiar with the boarding process at the Amsterdam airport. It's pretty small to begin with and I knew where my gate would be, so all in all I was in a familiar situation where I knew where to go and how to act.

However, after eating my cake very secretly in the bathroom stall I began to get majorly nervous about the other cake in my bag. What if the scanning machine would somehow detect it?! I would be handcuffed and thrown out of Europe forever!! But in reality, I had so much food in my backpack and the cake was no exception, so what different would it make?

And so I went through security and no one even blinked to my direction. Easy peasy. (lol no guarantee you can smuggle drugs on Easy Jet flight, ok?)

There was a 40 min. waiting time before the plane, so I had something to eat and checked social media. After something like half an hour I suddenly raised my head from my phone with the realization that my lips and hands are numb and the sounds around me began to be more distinct. Do not panic, I told myself and proceeded to walk around the waiting area and into a very long corridor where the gates were. This was the kind of airport corridor with moving floor panels (not sure how you call them) and you can guess what happened next! The full effect was going strong!

I really love moving when I'm on psychedelics, so I would usually walk for a very long time or try to climb and interact with my surroundings in different ways. I also like listening to music, but that I knew would come later in the plane. Meanwhile I was walking up and down the moving floor panels imagining I was floating. When you're in that stage, imagining anything is a lot of fun.

All this time I knew there was still like 20 min left before we are allowed on the plane, and my gate hasn't been opened yet. I frequently checked the departure board to see if there was info on my gate.

When on psychedelics, my biggest fear is to lose control completely and not know where I am or what to do. Thankfully, since I was alone I trusted myself more and was more alert than ever. As mentioned, I was in a familiar place and there wasn't any stressful airport happenings around. Moreover, this is not my first or second time on space cakes so I knew how my body and perception reacted to it. I suppose this would have been horrific for a first time....

Things began to escalate when I sat in the plane. Time distorts so much that you think a minute is an hour long. So before we actually took off I had the feeling I've been sitting in the plane forever.

I've used the time to listen to music. I didn't have any 70s prog on my ipod but I did have Stoned Jesus' Seven Thunders Roar album, which features a lot of instrumental parts.

The thing about music in this state for me is that I don't need much to have an "experience" - just the simplest minimalistic music can get you in a completely different world!

I remember thinking "so this is how Stoned Jesus actually sound like!". Oh my, the ideas that come to me while listening to music whilst being high....

It really felt like going up in a spaceship when the plane departed. Space perception was pretty distorted by then, especially with the plane constantly vibrating around me, that I didn't even feel my feet. I felt like I was sitting with my legs facing up like in a movie spaceship!

I personally love flying and experience flights very easily, so if someone out there is terrified or gets nauseous this might not be the best idea hehe.....

I did have trouble closing my eyes through the first moments in the air since I got dizzy having vertigo not knowing where was up or down. Luckily that feeling passed.

The best part about the flight though was the flight attendants. I tried not to look at anybody fearing to act strange and cause discomfort, but I almost lost it when the flight attendant spoke in the microphone. What sounded like instructions in German at first transformed into a mashup of latino male names and then just plain gibberish! Listening to any kind of speech and trying to make sense of it is crazy fun. I made a mental note to listen to the radio next time I'm up for an "adventure". Every time the flight attendant spoke it was the same thing - Leonardo, Maurizio, Fernando!

The flight was only an hour and a half, which is enough for when you're tripping. Towards the end of the flight I began to feel the effect wearing off, thankful for it as I would have to exist a crowded Berlin airport and find public transport at nighttime. 

I was dead tired from the entire journey when I came home, but when I told Boris about it he completely flipped, and said he wouldn't have risked it himself. Now he's very excited to eat his own cake when the right day comes.

All I know is that this is a hell of a story to tell my grand kids! I was even surprised how adventurous I am when being alone. I would have never done this with Boris by my side because I would've been too worried about him. 

The greatest lesson that I learned from this journey is that I can actually trust myself and maintain control in a situation that could have went horribly wrong. The decision to get high on a plane was my own and I didn't let my head go to wild, uncontrollable places which it might have been. I was confident and calm, and for an otherwise pretty anxious and nervous person - this is an achievement!

I would love to disconnect from my fear of losing control and go into deeper, more spiritual "adventures".

Meanwhile, I woke up the next day to work as usual and boy was I fucked up.....

Maria

Updates & Thoughts - Space Cakes in Amsterdam & Blog Changes

I haven't been here in a while. Thought I should update you guys on recent events, as well as a few thoughts regarding this blog. I know, again. Stop me if you've heard this one before...

1. I've been working, a ton. My student visa allows me to work 20 hours/week max, but during semester vacation I am allowed to work full time - an opportunity that was even encouraged by my boss. I say even since my work is very chill and flexible. I love my job - I sit in front of an Excel table all day doing copy-past work, with super nice colleagues, my headphones plugged into the computer with The Smiths on YouTube on repeat and a coffee machine that makes milk foam. I love my job. I can also pretty much come and go when I please, as long as I make the mandatory 20h mark. I fucking love my job and I have been making some nice money.
Going out on the weekend has never felt so satisfying. There's just something about working and getting paid and partying on the weekend with no worries; with the fact that you have a nice place to come back to on Monday and that you can respectfully work in a foreign language - a situation that 3 years ago seemed overwhelming.
Don't worry, I haven't gone crazy - I'm not a huge fan of the 9-5, but finding a chill job was my goal since Autumn last year and since January this year it has finally happened.
I'm just in a really good and comfortable place right now and I am grateful for it.


2. I have been to Amsterdam last weekend. I have been to the city last Autumn and it was ok, I didn't fall in love with it or anything. This trip was far better, we did a bunch of things and I've grown to connect with the city a lot more.

My mother turned 50 in March and arranged a few days' trip for herself, my dad and another couple from the family who they're good friends with. One thing let to another and my mom suggested me to join in as well, Amsterdam being in arm's reach from Berlin. I was so excited for the trip that I accidentally booked the ticket 1 day too early. So I got to spend 1 night at a friend's place and hang out, which was cool.
This, however, is just the tip of the iceberg of the trip, since:

1. We had space cakes with my entire family (and my under aged brother, god help us all) and it was dope. I am so proud of myself that whilst being incredibly high, I managed to guide my family through the impossible crowds of the city center back to our Air Bnb at night. Using Google Maps, obviously. And I didn't get lost once! I still can't believe I took drugs with my family. 
2. My brother went on a date with a bartender who casually gave him her number after he asked!! It turned out she was 24 (my bro is 17) and had a kid and a boyfriend. God help us all #2. One thing for sure though - my brother's a savage!
3. My family stayed in Amsterdam for 3 more days after I left, and the day before the flight back they have decided to visit a coffee shop one last time (my brother wasn't there). After smoking for a while they got up to leave, which resulted in my dad fainting right there in the middle of the coffee shop. The workers helped him up and sat him outside, and made him drink sweet water. Turns out this can happen due to low blood sugar? Who knows, but it was enough for my father to get completely terrified and swear he will never smoke ever again. My mom was horrified too. God help us all #3.

There were beautiful buildings and clogs too, but that's not nearly as interesting.

The next story, however, is the heaviest bomb of them all and I still can't believe this has happened. Let's just say the Amsterdam adventure isn't over:

As mentioned, it was my mother's birthday and we all gave her presents, including a very expensive and fancy diamond ring which my dad gave her. After my parents got home my mom wrote me that SHE HAS FORGOTTEN THE RING AT THE AIR BNB.

Of all rings my mom could forget, it had to be this one. Before leaving and in the commotion of packing, my mom washed the dishes and took the ring off and left it by the sink, where it remained until the nice Air Bnb lady informed my mom what has happened. My mother only realized this at the security check at the airport, where you have to take all the metals off. Thinking that she should take off the ring since it would surely beep at the monitors, my mother was mortified to discover it wasn't on her hand. My poor mom cried and was completely in shock.

And since shipping something so valuable via post is way too risky, it's only logical for me to come back to Amsterdam and retrieve the ring.

Yesterday I have booked a flight which will take place in 2 weeks. The trip will literally take me less than a day (1.5 from Berlin to Amsterdam). My mom will have her precious ring back in May when we will be going to Israel.

Needless to say, this trip will be remembered in the family forever!!

3. On for something a bit more conventional. I have been looking to join a band as a singer. After a few unsuccessful attempts of looking for a band as a bassist, I have given the matter a lot of though and realized that not giving myself the chance to front a band will be something I will regret forever. And it will be painful when I do.

So currently I am looking for a band or people. I want to sing everything dark, post punk-ish, grungy and wild. The louder and darker the better. Keep your fingers crossed for me, since finding people for a band in Berlin is one of those "big city problems" they don't tell you about. You would think that of all places, here it would be the easiest. Well, let me tell you....

4. Lastly, I wanted to address my thoughts regarding blogging. I know that I wrote on the changing media of blogging and self expression in December -  a recurring thought in the "classic" blogging community. I thought about how there are less people writing blogs these days and how many transform to youtubers or use Instagram to "show and tell" their outfits, makeup etc.

The truth is, this is exactly the kind of change I am experiencing myself. I am using my phone non stop - snapping pictures of my makeup, hair and outfits and uploading them to Instagram has been one of my favorite things to do. It's fast and easy. The only problem being that this kind of medium focuses more on the "show" than the "tell". And I love expressing myself with writing and having the option to discuss things with you guys in the comments.

So after some thought I've decided that I would like to make this blog a more personal space - a medium where I can write about my thoughts, feelings, my fears and emotions.... it's the very "classic" type of blogging that I have been missing; where pictures don't play a huge role, Or when they do - they're scarce.

I want to share personal things, to be more reflective of myself and think more, discuss and question. I guess Instagram is just fitting for overload vanity and attention - a thing I can never have too little of.

Yet expressing yourself with words has always been the very core of blogging for me, and I have the feeling I've been avoiding that for the sake of entertaining content or what not.

I realize that reading huge blocks of text is sooo 2009, where the write would complain about their day and write angsty posts about self doubt and the meaning of their bullshit life. But this is perhaps the essence of blogging for me. Guess I'm still a 17 year old deep down hehe.

So I guess you can expect some changes happening here... maybe the layout looking a bit different, maybe some introspective posts coming along. I will still write about the things I love, which are my favorite bands, my past and where I come from and my adventures in Europe. But maybe with a more personal twist.

My Instagram will be there for my face, my poses and clothes and my uber trad goth aspirations. I apologize if some of you are not on Instagram and won't be able to follow me there. I will probably post a picture from time to time here as well. Who knows, maybe Instagram will grow irrelevant in a few years. You never know!

What do you think? Anything on your mind regarding blogging lately? Are you planing on traveling this year?

I'll be going to Copenhagen in 2 weeks btw. Can't wait!

Maria

Blast From the Past - Rediscovering My Old Youtube Channel

When I made my (first) Youtube channel I had one intention in mind - to illegally upload rare music that wasn't uploaded to Youtube before. I've used the website to discover new music (and still do), so I was very disappointed to not be able to find certain songs by my favorite artists. This needed to be changed.

At certain point Youtube changed it's policy and tied all the accounts to Google, which made me start using my current account and forget about the old one. But still the old one lives with thousands of views on the different songs I've uploaded, comments from all over the world and people thanking me for sharing the music. Even friends posting an occasional song here and there on Facebook, probably unaware that it was me who uploaded it ;)
I wouldn't upload any piece of music by any artist without their consent nowadays, but looking back and my most favorite music from when I was 17-20 makes me nostalgic and happy to have encapsulated this small fragment of my personality online.
If you haven't noticed, documenting myself is one of my favorite things to do.

So aside from a few embarrassing high school boredom moments, I've started the channel by sharing my fascination with Peter Hammil's music by uploading 2 of his songs from his "mid life crisis" album, Over. This number is in my opinion one of his best songs:

Uploaded in 2008, back when making a song-Youtube video involved making titles and credits....
Seriously though, this song is haunting! If you're planning on geting devorced, buried in a suit or committing suicide in the process, this one's for you.

Things got real when Boris and I discovered The Birthday Party, which made me want to upload some songs that have never seen the light of Youtube, like Zoo Music Girl and Ho-Ho. The latter was a more favorite song, but not having them online felt like a miss. I tried uploading Mutiy In Heaven, one of my favorite songs, but it always got put down due to copyright. And as an aspiring 17 year old longing to share this geniussness of post punk with the world, I felt very betrayed...

There were a few other numbers in between, like a part of Einstürzende Neubauten's song from their movie Halber Mensch (with a very wrong german-title attempt), which I've idolized at the time, and some songs by Russian & Ukranian musicians like Kolibri and Fleur.

Discovering Cinema Strange was totally a thing, and I began uploading a few missing songs. I was getting to know all these goth bands, it felt so great! I can still feel my excitement through these silly uploads; wanting to know more about the band, wanting to grasp every aspect of it!

One of my favorite Cinema Strage songs is actually a small instrumental from their Quatorze Examples album. Very eerie and atmospheric, not so over-the-top as they're otherwise are. I bet not many people know this song to begin with!

Do you know why I liked this so much? It reminded me of Opeth's accoustic pieces. The "Maria seal of approval".

Are you ready for the next atomic bomb of this blast from the past?! I'm not sure you are, because aside from me writing about it here and there, I have never actually shared any visual evidence of my army service.

This is perhaps one of the most "Israeli things" you can get. Soldier girls dancing in their uniform like it's no big deal. For most of you, the fact that we are actually soldier girls is already pretty unheard of. But it's Israel, baby, and as a very none-rebellious, obedient teenager - I was hoarded into the army system just like the rest of them.

Just a quick note here - the army was the worst time in my life, and instead of serving the normal 2 years for girls (!!!) I have been there 9 months before I said "fuck it", went to the army psychologist and bailed out on lying about mental problems, suicide and depression. Except that I wasn't lying. I was in a place/system where I hated everyone and everything, didn't believe in its common goal and felt like all my potential, my very true being and my determination in life has been taken away for something that served the most ridiculous purpose. Sure, I am smiling in that video, because I can adapt very well and was never one to sit in a corner and mop. But soon enough, every little sell in me would rage in despair, for I would want a different life, a different choice with a completely different goal in mind.

Since going to the army is so embedded in the Israeli politics/culture/etc, NOT doing it is still considered a huge no-go. You get judged, you are told it's a bad decision for your "future". And it's all bullshit.

And after 9 horrific months, 6 of which were spent without Boris since we broke up, things have changed. Gloriously. I have never rebelled at the age of 14, 15 or 17. I rebelled at 19.

My army experience definitely deserves a post of its own. Or few...

But for the time being, we were dancing the stupid polka song because we were waiting half an hour to get the permission to go home for the weekend. And it was fun!

I am first from the left.
I spent only the first 3 weeks in a classic military camp through my basic training period. After that my service looked nothing like it, I went home every day after teaching a class at grade school. Many soldiers have it way worse in the Israeli army; people stay for months in the base; people actually fight and see their comrades getting killed. My service and "struggles" are considerably humble in comparison, but hey, it's my life and my own perspective on it...

Things began to get even gothier on my channel when I started posting some Corpus Delicti. I was somewhere around 20. I still love listening to that band no matter how cheesy they are.

There were other bands like Neva that I uploaded, which at the time I though I was the only person in Israel even being aware of this band. What growing up in the periphery of the world does to your feeling of self importance :)

Another notable mention from my channel would have to be Boris' post punk band from that time, Vivid Noir. They had a few gigs and even recorded an EP, but unfortunately broke up shortly after. Some recorded songs can still be found on youtube, uploaded by their synth player.

I looked up to every one of them. I glanced at their singer in awe for being so badass. I was definitely the biased groupie, no less. I was excited something like this has even happened in a relatively "sceneless" country like Israel, at least when you talk post punk...

Luckily, things have changed a bit since 2011 and there are new bands on the rise. Those were fun times though...

I have continued to document other shit on my current channel. All those old videos of me awkwardly talking to the camera... Since I enjoy browsing my previous channel so much, I know I will never delete them :)

Maria

90s Grunge Goth Inspiration - Betsey Johnson Autumn Winter 1997/8

I was browsing Pinterest the other day for some 90s goth style inspirations and stumbled across the following number. Spring is just around the corner here in Berlin and I feel like it's time to wear thinner stockings and shorter sleeves.

I have generally been in a very romantic goth style phase - I wear lots of long black skirts and tight black long sleeved shirts with lots of jewelry. It's a very comfy style to wear and leaves room for thick thermo leggings and winter socks. Yet those go to the back of the close now and I want to pretty much wear the same thing but with tank tops.

All images found on firstVIEW.

Autumn Winter 1997

Betsey Johnson has always been off the wall. She's kind of like the American Vivienne Westwood, only tackier... 

I love how the above are so street wear. It really brings you back to the classic 90s goth look. Very medieval inspired, long silhouettes, straight hair, HUGE crosses...

Makeup wise, I have been rocking this for over a year now.

If a goth would wear it, it's not exactly reinventing the wheel, but when I think about it, you don't see goths dressing this way today either. Maybe you have this in a grungier version, or throw a shrug over it and you would have "witch goth". Either way, we need to fucking bring these shoes back!

Those glasses though!

There were a few more "trad" looks found on Johnson's Winter 1998 collection. Suddenly there's big hair! What happened? It also looks very Kinderwhore, appropriate to it's time.
Check out that white dress look! We need to sport white goth outfits more often! Aside from a huge white button up shirt, I never did!

I have found the 1997 runaway on youtube. Shitty quality and it's uploaded in 4 parts, but part nr. 2 (below) is where it's at, and where the looks from the beginning of the post are taken:

I loved the entire show!

Would you rock this look or is it dated/ cheesy? Is this "very 90s NYC?"

What are your recent style inspirations?

Time to blast off some Mephisto Waltz and pretend I can stand 90s gothic rock :)

Maria

What I Dislike About My Favorite Bands?!

I frequently criticize the things I love. Surprising? Not really... I love finding out why I like what I like; what makes a piece of art - be it a book, a film or a piece of music - touching? Why am I attached to something so much? I am the last person to try and explain things with reason, so my "search for meaning" is rather introspective - I just want to understand myself better by questioning what I love. 

So lets play a game where I pick out my favorite bands and ruthlessly elaborate about what I don't like about them. I am always praising my favorite bands/albums/songs, but nothings is perfect. Balance should be everywhere, and even Opeth are no exception (gasp!). Speaking of which:

Ok, so it's my favorite band in the world, right? Well, up until a certain album. And that certain album is Watershed. Ever since Opeth dropped the death metal subcategory of their music and took things more 70s prog rock, fans have been divided into 2 groups - people who love the "new" Opeth, and people who hate the "new" Opeth. I definitely belong to the latter group. I respect Opeth immensely for always changing and doing what they like, a band can never be stuck in one place, it's impossible and kind of disappointing. 

But things finally ended with Heritage for me, what a strange Jethro Tull attempt... What a contrast to the heavier sound of Blackwater Park and Deliverance; where are the growls, where are the heartbreaking waves of guitars? I don't think you can fully remake 70s prog rock, with all my love for 70s prog rock... 

Their last album Sorceress didn't make things better either. I could appreciate it, sure, but Opeth will forever be the gloomy, death/doom mix of their first few albums, which I find remarkable. My humble opinions on the Opeth discography deserve a post of their own, but as long as Mikael Akerfeldt doesn't growl, I and a lot of other "old" Opeth fans are not too happy.

Fortunately, they play a majority of old songs live and going to their gigs is an experience I want to relive every single day of my life.

And another thing: for the most part, I couldn't care for their lyrics. Sure, I cite Opeth lyrics like all the time, and I have my Instagram to prove it. But it's just sentences here and there that I find beautiful. When I was younger, I tried reading the lyrics of my most favorite songs but couldn't make sense of it. Yeah, dream/forest/woman/sadness blah blah blah.... every now and then I would enjoy an entire song's lyrics, but it's rare. I just love the music, really. I really can't stand their lyrics videos, who cares?

I am such a hypocrite fan ;)

Nothing makes lyrics more irrelevant for me than my next favorite band - The Mars Volta. Really, Cedric Bixler Zavala, aside from being an incredible singer and a gorgeous looking man, has really fucked the whole lyrics thing up.

I know, I know - super progressive, philosophical, our of this world, beyond consciousness and acid worthy lyrics type of shit going on. I get it, it's what TMV are all about. But come one - I can't even remember at least 1 song by it's lyrics (ok, not entirely true but still) plus they make zero sense. It's completely abstract and to some may sound unemotional at all. 

Frankly, TMV's music is so emotional to me that like with many bands that I love - I couldn't care less about the lyrics. But god, can you at least give me a thread here? Lead me to at least a hint of a story? 

Here's an example of one of my favorite songs, Inertiatic ESP (the title "says it all"):

"What of this mongrel architect   

a broken arm of sewers set 

past present and future tense 

clipside of the pinkeye fountain  

Now I'm lost" 

 Yeah, I'm fucking lost too...

Next up are....

What can I possibly not like about Bauhaus? Well, maybe the fact that they don't play anymore? At least not in that formation, it's just Peter Murphy now (which I haven't seen live yet! urgh...).

There's the whole lyrics part again. Have you tried reading Bauhaus lyrics? They are pretty abstract most of the time... they're not even that goth (because Bauhaus are technically not goth - ha!); they're not even that romantic either... I mean, Peter Murphy sure gives you a sleazy, disturbing feeling with his attitude as a front man. I've always found it interesting, so I guess I cannot mention it as something I dislike.

Another thing would be - yet this is a contribution of the goth subculture - that Bauhaus are regarded as a goth band. They're so not, and Peter Murphy himself stated that they couldn't make sense of the goth label. Bauhaus are a post punk band - a post punk band with dub influences and a bunch of other shit. Shrinking them into just the goth label is frankly an insult to this great band.

And last but not least...

Just please release an album already!!!!!

I think I've said enough for now. Maybe we can continue this another day?

What do you dislike about your favorite bands the most? 

Maria

Teased Orange Hair: Update & Inspo

I know what this blog hasn't seen in a while - hair and makeup looks! Since I got a new phone for the holidays I've been documenting my face a lot more. My old phone's camera was gone, plus the phone was really old and slow, so using it for other than making calls was impossible.

from a while ago, going out. I need to overdraw my lips more!

We all look at inspirations for our style, and even though I do no do it too often, I love looking at picture of 80s goths for some hair goals. I know a lot of people pull off the look a lot better than I do, it's just an interpretation after all.

But I like looking at pictures of people with orange hair especially, since most goths have black hair.

 Found on Now This Is Gothic

Source
This is my favorite "warm toned" teased hair of them all. I love the length, I am aiming for it!

By now I have pretty much settled on a hair coloring routine. I wanted to make a post about how I color my hair but ended up not having the time to take pictures during dyes. Yes, dyes - it's a 2 step process, as I need to lift my natural brown hair to a brighter color. I've been orange for a year now and my hair feels amazing, so I will stick to the same routine for now. For a change, I do not have plans to change my hair color. This hair simply rocks.

From last night

Teasing long hair is more challenging than teasing your hair in the first place.

The Nr. 1 rule for teasing long hair is - hair products! Your teased hair is like a building, you need to build a solid foundation before going higher.

So before I hit the comb I apply mousse to my entire hair.

1. Wet hair in sections
2. Apply mousse in sections
3. Blow dry hair upside down
4. Start teasing with hairspray, again in sections.

These are the products I use:

  Source                           &                          Source  

The Taft mousse really does the trick, and the Got2B is a big hair staple by now for goths and punks alike. These products are unfortunately not cruelty free.

There is also an option to use teasing powder, but I haven't tried it yet since the above combo works. Does anyone have any experience with it? What would you recommend?

Having your hair cut in layers is also a huge help. I do want to have long hair, and I will probably only cut the most top layer frequently for that Patricia Morrison look.

I also don't straighten my hair (anymore). My hair is wavy which makes for a nice teased texture. I am damaging my hair enough already.

Then there's the biggest teasing trick of all - the brush. Some people use a thin comb, some use a special teasing comb. However, for my thick heavy long hair I use a round brush:

Source

This is a trick my friend showed me, and I would have never thought about it myself! This is not exactly good for your hair, but when is teasing anyway? This brush helps picking up big sections, and with your solid foundation on your really don't need to stand half an hour in front of the mirror ripping your hair out.

With a solid foundation and the right tool, your hair will last the night. I sometimes re-tease it during the night with the same brush. Take a backpack lol! There's also a mini version of the brush available in most stores.

It's funny how my hair color looks different depending on the lighting. I have to edit the saturation of my pictures to really make the red shine through the phone camera. Funny enough, all selfies in this post show my true hair color, it just depends with which lighting you look at it, hehe.

I have dyed my roots since then as can be seen in the previous picture

Here's a post-teasing aftermath. You can tease your hair, but can you bring it back to normal?

Personally, I sleep with my teased hair and detangle it the day after. The hairspray loses it's hold so it's easier.

Needless to say you need to section your hair and slowly comb through it without pulling. I use my regular brush, which is also a detangling brush. 

Some people prefer to soak their hair in conditioner and comb it when it's wet. That make sense, but I prefer the dry option. How do you do it?

Hope you liked this little hair update. Do you have any hair tricks/goals?

Wish everyone a wonderful weekend!

Maria

Favorite Youtube Channels | February 2017

I love youtube. It's my TV, my carefree alone time, my relaxing evening time in front of the monitor. Despite the controversies and my harsh opinions (on goth youtubers especially), I still love to follow certain youtubers that are just very creative, entertaining and very good and making you smile.
And not just people, corporate youtube channels too.

I follow a lot of channels, so for this list I've decided to include only the channels that inspire me most; that make me really anticipate their next videos, and that most of which Boris and I watch together. And considering how much Boris doesn't like individual youtube bloggers, it's saying something...

If you like watching various youtube bloggers/channels as much as I do, then I hope to put some new names to your subscriptions.

In alphabetical order:


1. Amber Scholl

How to make cheap clothes look expensive

This is perhaps the most unexpected entry on the list. Amber is a relatively new youtuber, she makes mostly diy videos about how to be fabulous and extra on a budget. If there's a person in the world more Kardashian than all the Kardashians put together - it's got to be Amber.

Why am I watching this?
You know how you watch certain youtubers not because of the content but because of their personalities? Exactly. I might not have the same style and not be a Kardashian (or any other mainstream pop culture icon) follower to say the least, but there's something very sincere and honest about Amber that drips through any camera editing. I love her perky personality, and I loved her story too. You can tell she's being herself with integrity, plus her fancy diys are actually very good!



2. Angela Benedict

I have mentioned Angela in a separate post a while ago, which should tell you how much I love her channel. Again, this is a combo of content and personality for me - I absolutely love the way she tells stories from her baby bat years as a teenager in the 90s. Her way of reminiscing on the past is very romantic and sincere. This is another good example of sincerity maintained on camera (an interesting thing, since Angela has a past in acting ;) ).

This is the only goth youtuber I have been watching for  along time without getting bored, cringy or disgusted. It has been but the opposite of that, and I am very excited whenever a new video from Angela is out. She even makes me like 90s goth music, haha!



3. Ask A Mortician

Do hair & nails grow after death?

I have mentioned Caitlin Doughty's book Smoke Gets In Your Eyes: and Other Lessons from the Crematory in the past and have been following her channel ever since. There's not much explanation needed - it's pretty much history lessons about death around the world, and as much as her book was fascinating - so is her channel. I love learning about all that fun and gruesome stuff, plus she gives nice book recommendations from time to time on the subject, so you can start building your own spooky library.

This is a great example of an entertaining and informative channel. There are more to come on this list.



4. CineFix

One is not simply a music nerd without being a cinematography nerd. I rarely write about movies here, but you can sure count on me being a movie snob. I was so happy to come across this channel to find various videos dedicated to the art of film - from top 10s to reviews to random facts, these guys really do their job. If you're into analyzing what you're watching, I highly recommend this channel, plus you discover a bunch of new movies in the process. The editing of the videos is great and the guy narrating is funny.

The video above is one of my favorite youtube videos ever (yeah, that much!) - dive into different color palettes and how they're used in different movies, and what it does to your perception as a viewer. Marvelous!!!

5. Nerdwriter

This guy does visual essays, and this was a new medium to me as much as it maybe it for you right now. I discovered him through his essays on movies, but he has a lot more on art, music and politics. I do not know much about this guy, but he was on TED, so that's saying something.

Nerdwriter can be a bit overwhelming sometimes, because it really makes you think and get in touch with many personal subjects that he so skillfully integrates in his essays. It's not really a channel for mindless viewing, for a change.

Again, I marvel at the beautiful editing and on the thought being put into his youtube compositions. You can tell the guy is educated on every subject possible. If you wanna get your culture on, grad a cup of tea and discover why The Beatles changed cover album history; why Melancholia pictures depression on film and many, many more.

6. Simply Nailogical

Personality over content? This is another one of those youtubers for me. Not that Christine doesn't have great content - hell, she's probably one of the most entertaining, creative and hilarious nail art youtubers out there! The chance of me attempting any of these nail tutorials is very little (though that one above is absolute killer!), but it's just so satisfying to watch her do her own nails. Needless to say her character wins it all. You can tell there's a very shrewd person behind that camera! I just admire her wits sometimes.

7. theneedledrop

Continuing with the review-type channel, this is my favorite music reviewer, Anthony Fantano, aka theneedledrop. This is the guy that has been inspiring me to make youtube videos more than ever lately (and sadly I will probably never find the time to do it). I absolutely love the way Anthony critics... everything! He's hilarious, witty, sarcastic to the core but also serious and gives great attention to the various music components making a good song/album. This is music nerd soul food for me.

One of my personal favorites is his review of Miley Cyrus' album. I have never laughed so hard (I had to give the album a try after this, and he was right!).

8. ThreadBanger

I have been oblivious to only one of the very first diy youtube channels until a few months ago, and I instantly fell in love with both Corinne and Rob. This is my fun TV time - they are both hilarious, their projects are hilarious and mostly just very exciting to watch. I follow their individual channels too, which if you found yourself entertained amongst all the swearing and sarcasm - I can only recommend. Will I attempt even one of these diys? Probably the food diys some day, but this is just plain fun. I think they totally rock their channel, there's a reason why it's their job!

Let's leave this list for now, but I might do another one. Tell me if some of these channels have sparked your interest?

What are your favorite youtubers of any kind?

Maria

A Bunch of Psychedelic Collages

I've been obsessed with collecting psychedelic collage art on Pinterest. This is like one of those random things that I just enjoy looking at and that makes me instantly happy.

I don't know much about collage art, I only know there are countless ways of making them. I love vintage-looking collages the most, they kind of give you a Summer-y feeling we could all use right now. Disfiguring reality is fun!

Here are some of my favorite ones. Some sources to the pictures were incorrect, so if there's no source mentioned, go to my Pinterest board.


First, there's the classic galaxy themed collages:

                                                                                    Source

                                                                                  by Joe Webb

Some moon collages were dope too:

by Rachel Brice

The claustrophobic city collages are what really did the trick for me. I love how using photos of regular objects in a different setting makes for a very unsettling composition:

                                                                   by Sammy Slabbinck

 

Cymophobia much?                                                                           Source

Hope this gave you some inspiration, or at least some Summer vibes! I love browsing this kind of pictures the most, they thrill me and give me a whacky look on reality when life's too boring.

Maria

Going to Wroclaw to see Stoned Jesus, Sunnata & Dopelord

A while ago I told you I was eager to take a 4 hour bus drive to Poland to see one of my favorite contemporary bands - Stoned Jesus. Which I did, with the accompany of a good friend who was as motivated as I me.

We were also excited to see the other 2 bands in the event - Dopelord, which I knew of before and Sunnata (who I wasn't aware of, and glad I do now). It looked like a killer lineup.

As often happens with very awaited events carefully planned ahead - I began to get sick the night before, and the day of the trip didn't get better. My throat was hurting all the time and I was weak. My friend had a cold as well. Yet nothing stopped us from getting on that bus, riding through the white fog and the snow.

You know you're crossed the border to Poland when the road gets bumpy

 We had a few hours to walk around the city before the gig. We have both been to Wroclaw before to Return To The Batcave Festival. I realized I missed the city so much! I love the old town, the squares with the churches, the little passages between them... You don't have that kind of historical architecture in Berlin.

In one word, the gigs were dope! I was happy to see all 3 bands, starting with Dopelord, which I think are a better representative of the contemporary stoner/doom genre. Now, I am not the biggest stoner rock fan, and most stoner bands are not my thing, yet I really loved that Dopelord had 2 vocalists, creating harmonies on top of heavy, tuned down riffs. I loved the single components of their songs, and they painted their live performance with deep dark colors, yet always leaving some room for beautiful light singing. I though that was a very cool combination for this type of music you don't hear often.

I also think there is more of psychedelic elements in their new album. Loved the songs Skulls & Candles and Reptile Sun especially:

Next up were Sunnata, and after someone posted a song of theirs on the event, I was really excited to see them, since it promised a more proggy experience. Oh boy, did I need one.

Indeed, it seems like it was a blend of nu metal, doom, stoner, prog and whatever else. I don't think I have ever heard such long songs live before, and realized how I craved some. I loved every single thing they played, I think each song was very well constructed and proved for a heavy experience with not a single boring moment. There were aggresive & loud parts for some good headbanging, but also quiet eerie moments where you didn't know what will happen next. The world needs more bands like this! I have to see them again!

Beasts of Pery and New Horizon were my eprsonal favoite:

Speaking of headbanging, by the time Sunnata were on stage I finally got my way through the long waiting line to the bar. My throat was hurting badly and I had to get some tea! Beer was out of the question. And that's how I managed to headbang with a cup of tea! And I have the picture to prove it:

with lemon and everything!

Excitement was even higher when Stoned Jesus were finally on stage. I couldn't wait to hear all the songs from Seven Thunders Roar. It's so cool when bands play and entire album you really love, it happens so rarely!

One of the best parts of their gig was how the frontman communicated with the audience. He got us laughing and generally made for a very homey atmosphere. I felt happy seeing them on stage and hearing the songs by them that I love. Every moment was simply awesome (the bassist is so cute! There, I said it...). They all looked so happy all the time!

Funny enough, in comparison to the other 2 bands, Stoned Jesus were not as heavy. You could hear a lot more 70s influences in their music than anything else. The sound was pretty minimalistic, which makes sense considering influences like Black Sabbath. A nice change from all the drop tunnings that were going on before ;) 

They even played the beginning of Starless as memory to John Wetton of King Crimson, who recently died. I was so happy to even hear the first moment of that song live. Chills!

Despite being sick, we had lots of fun. It's nice to go to a gig and mingle with the people of a different city/country. You kind of feel belonged, in a way. People were super nice, and I even got compliments from a lovely girl on the way I looked. Makes me want to visit gigs in Poland more often. 

Can't wait for the next musical field trip!

Now to lie in bed and get better.

Maria